There is a place that I feel safe. There has never been a time that I allowed myself to be pulled up close to this chest that I didn't immediately feel safe. Allow is an important word, I have resisted this safe place many times, when I felt angry or hurt or just felt I should do "life" on my own and not need someone else to lean on. This is Sean's chest. I took this picture this morning, I told him I needed a picture, he absentmindedly said, "OK". Then I said, well, I want a picture of your chest, and guess what? He was suddenly paying attention. "My What?" "Why??"!! I said, "I just want it", so, being the kind of man he is, without anymore questions he stood still while I took this close up of my safe place. He was just looking at me a bit odd, he is mostly used to my weirdness after 21 years. Then I just leaned in and put my cheek right on this exact spot and said, "I am going to blog about how safe I feel right here." He immediately wrapped his arms around me and said, "AAAAWWW, that makes me feel very special."
I have resisted going to this safe place more times than I should have. When Sean and I disagree, he is usually much more ready to make up than I am. It takes me awhile to be ready. He might try to pull me into his arms, but I will have no part of it. I know it is my own self preservation kicking in, the Michele that is truly afraid Sean will somehow end up like my father. The father that would hold my older sister on his lap, but when I would try to crawl up there I was always told I was "too heavy" for him to hold. When I feel hurt by Sean my fears of rejection pop up. I guess I learned early on that it was less painful to be the one pushing others away than to be pushed away myself. This is an area I have made progress in, just recognizing it helps.
There have also been many times I wanted more than anything to just be pulled into those strong arms and against that warm chest. I wanted it so bad, thinking he should be able to read my mind I suppose. I now realize I have a voice. I now just say to Sean, "I don't need you to try to fix anything, just hold me for a minute, please." Then within seconds I find my face against the safest place in the whole world and even though the situation has not changed, I can let it go. For the few minutes I am there, breathing in the smell of the man I love, listening to the heartbeat in his chest, feeling his arms around me and my cheek against his chest I feel safe, very, very safe.