Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I've slipped



I wonder why the Internet has a safe feel to it? I think it is the anonymity of it. People will say things online that they would never say to someone's face. I am guilty of it as well. I feel like I have made a lot of progress as far as my healthy communication with people. I thought I was to the point, if I saw something that I didn't like, I could just move along and ignore it. I do this most of the time, but not today. Today I commented in a passive aggressive way. I felt justified for a while...then later today it began to creep back into my thoughts. I couldn't' shake it. I just went back and apologized to my friend. He is gracious and will forgive me, I have no doubt. I will also forgive myself - because all the guilt is counterproductive.




The issue for me is why did I slip back into old behaviors? It has been a weird week with lots of stresses from all different directions. I have not been getting enough sleep. Those things probably all contribute to it, but don't explain it fully. The truth is, I don't want to be that woman. The one that is easily offended, specifically by men. It is not their fault my dad was a jerk and I expect them to be simply because they have a - well you know. I don't want to be that woman that snuck out today and let fears override common sense. I know this guy fairly well and know that He has a wonderful heart and good intentions. So, what was all this about? Why did I react so strongly within myself?




Fear makes us do silly things. Fear of being let down, fear of not being heard, fear of someone turning out to be something totally different than I always thought they were. These were my experiences with my father - and I unconsciously sit and wait for every man in my life to eventually be that way as well. I pray one day that hurt little girl that just wanted her daddy to love her as she was will be healed. She has come along way - just sometimes she forgets she is safe and lovable and can trust those around her. Sometimes I just slip...but at least I can recognize it now, and move past it and move on.

4 comments:

Friar Tuck said...

I answered your question where you asked it

citizen of the world said...

First of all, you are hardly anonymous - you use both your photo and your real name. But secondly (and more importantly), we all get triggered. All of us. Anonymously or not, things stir up our issues. If you are recognizing it and then addressing it, you are doing really, really well.

reliv4life said...

friar - got it, thanks

citizen - I didn't explain that well. What I meant was not that I was anonymous at all - but that it feels less personal to write something blindly on the internet than if you were looking in their eyes and saying it - that has just been my experience in both things I at times have written in anger or frustration and also been on the recieving end thru emails, etc...

Shellmo said...

It sounds so cliche but none of us are perfect and who hasn't made a comment that they wish they can take back. i think it's great you recognized it and can apologize.