I wonder at what point the old fears stop popping up? I wonder exactly how many years of therapy it would take, because I have quite a bit of time under my belt already.
Here's the deal - my dad is on his way. He is flying as I type this. I know I do not react as strongly as I used to. I know how to set boundaries now and take care of me. The problem is wanting to avoid the words that wound that will inevitably come up. I wish I could just love him where he is and let his words roll off of me like water off a ducks back. I will be able to do that to a certain point. Then, something will penetrate my armor...some slide comment about my weight, my house, etc... Here is what I know - I could have my house clean enough to eat off the floor - and he would still find something to complain about. I could cook a meal fit for a king - but there will be something he doesn't like. I know that no matter what I do or don't do he will find something to gripe about - because that is what he lives for. I KNOW in my head that it is not about me - but my heart sometimes is unsure. My heart will sometimes go to that place, "If a girl's dad doesn't love her, then who the hell will????" My heart will assume there is something wrong with me, that I do have something missing that the rest of the world has - that I am the only weirdo alive. I just have to keep my head and my heart connected. I have to remind myself that I AM lovable, acceptable and a wonderful person. I deserve to be treated nicely.
I just pray that when these 4 days are over I will be able to say, "boy, that wasn't as bad as I thought it might be!" and "I handled things pretty well, look how far I have come!" and "I don't have to do that again for a while!"
I just want to protect that hurt little girl inside that pops up occasionally and feels insecure. My goal is for her to know the grown up Michele is different, and will protect her and keep her safe. I don't have to be afraid anymore, I really don't.