My Dad

I wonder at what point the old fears stop popping up? I wonder exactly how many years of therapy it would take, because I have quite a bit of time under my belt already.

Here's the deal - my dad is on his way. He is flying as I type this. I know I do not react as strongly as I used to. I know how to set boundaries now and take care of me. The problem is wanting to avoid the words that wound that will inevitably come up. I wish I could just love him where he is and let his words roll off of me like water off a ducks back. I will be able to do that to a certain point. Then, something will penetrate my armor...some slide comment about my weight, my house, etc... Here is what I know - I could have my house clean enough to eat off the floor - and he would still find something to complain about. I could cook a meal fit for a king - but there will be something he doesn't like. I know that no matter what I do or don't do he will find something to gripe about - because that is what he lives for. I KNOW in my head that it is not about me - but my heart sometimes is unsure. My heart will sometimes go to that place, "If a girl's dad doesn't love her, then who the hell will????" My heart will assume there is something wrong with me, that I do have something missing that the rest of the world has - that I am the only weirdo alive. I just have to keep my head and my heart connected. I have to remind myself that I AM lovable, acceptable and a wonderful person. I deserve to be treated nicely.

I just pray that when these 4 days are over I will be able to say, "boy, that wasn't as bad as I thought it might be!" and "I handled things pretty well, look how far I have come!" and "I don't have to do that again for a while!"

I just want to protect that hurt little girl inside that pops up occasionally and feels insecure. My goal is for her to know the grown up Michele is different, and will protect her and keep her safe. I don't have to be afraid anymore, I really don't.

Craziness!

We had a great Thanksgiving feast! The last count I heard was 230 people that came to eat at St James. I know a few more wandered in after that count. It was craziness I tell you! I have been in charge of the kitchen for all 3 years and each year it has gotten busier. We did 95 take out dinners. I LOVE to cook, but organization is not my strong suit. Don't get me wrong, it all went off with barely a hitch. It just didn't feel that smooth to me.

The day was fun though. In 2006 we fed about 75 people, 2007 it was 146, and now this year 230... amazing! We had lots of repeat people, so I guess no one is complaining about the food! It was fun as usual - lots of things to find funny. Like the lady that was as skinny as a rail and came back 4 times for more gravy - she is now known as "the gravy lady"!! Or the slip that came in for a piece of pumpkin pie and they had checked YES for whipped cream and underneath that is said, "covered". So, We covered that pie with whipped cream - top sides back, there was nothing showing , not even the crust!! Well, they wanted to take it with them - it was supposed to be "covered" with saran wrap!! There were travelers, people whose families had all gone out of town and they were alone. Then there were some homeless. One man smelled so badly his odor could be smelt 10 foot away. I hope they all left feeling more than full in their bellies. I pray they felt cared for and accepted and a little less lonely.

Organization may not be my strong suit, but loving people is right up there at the top. I hope I let that show more than my stress did.

Maxine

Snowfolk

This is the image out of my office window this morning. Remember how cheerful and happy the snowfolk were a few days ago? Well, now the picture looks much more dreary. The sun is not out, the wind is blowing, all the beautiful snow is melting away. I couldn't help but think this is kinda how life is.



A couple of things could happen now. 1)the sun could come out, the weather get warm and these little snowfolk could be a heap of snow by tonight. or 2) The temp could drop, snow could start falling and these little guys could stay with us until next spring. Life is like that, so unpredectable. How often do I have everything in my mind of how things will play out, and the script changes at the last minute. Sometimes it is good, sometimes it is bad, but it is the change that throws me.



I am different than these snowfolk in some ways. If I don't like my circumstances, I can simply move to a new place. I get to say who I will stand beside and who I won't, I get to choose where I will spend today and with whom. I get to move to a spot that meets my needs and take care of myself. That is good. What I can not control is the weather and the outside circumstances. I can not control what others do or say, only myself. I can only control my reaction to the changes around me and inside me.



I, personally, like happy endings. I like books and movies with happy endings, because, frankly I enjoy having my head in the sand sometimes. Unfortunately, that is not reality. Whether my head is in the sand or not, the wind is still blowing. I need to pull my head out more often and learn to move or change if I am unhappy with where I am. I need to use my voice in a productive, healthy way for myself and those around me. I am not at the mercy of my circumstances, I have choices! I think I will always like happy endings - and maybe if I can create my own happiness inside myself, no matter the turmoil around me, I will have a happy ending each day, each week, each month. I know that not all days can be happy, but if I wake up the next morning willing to try again, I will have more happy ones than not.

Stress Free Thanksgiving

Whew!

OK - I admit it, I am totally silly!!! After all that stress, and frustration, and feeling like a failure - I got to training today and the other two participants had not even finished the silly thing. It was totally agreed upon by everyone involved, even our trainer, that this is very difficult.

I figured out something about myself - well, one of many things - I get pretty obsessed and anal about things that are extremely important to me. I tend to be laid back and do things fairly moderately - as in, I am NOT an over achiever by any means. BUT apparently I can have that tendency in certain areas of my life. If I screw up a pie or a cake - watch out! I will be in a pissy mood until I remake and do it perfectly. I never really realized how much pressure I put on myself in certain situations.

SO - I am telling you that I will no longer be anal retentive about my Zoe training - so hold me accountable - OK? I also found out that we have 24 hours of training with someone else doing the counseling and us watching before we even have the option of being lead counselor. That is 24 appointments - whew!! What a relief!

OK - boring post, I know, but wanted to let you know I am FINE - just had a small melt down yesterday!!

things I learned about myself tonight

Tonight I learned that my communication skills suck - oh yes, they really do. I was doing my homework - yes, it is Monday night and I go to training tomorrow - yes, I procrastinated again! Apparently I have not learned to listen intently to ANYONE EVER. Nope, I have never done it, according to how it is suppose to be done. And I also have no idea how to ask open ended questions without putting my own opinion or judgements in there somewhere. No matter how much I tried...I kept sliding my opinion in one way or another - which I repeat - is NOT intently listening to someone!!!

I am trying to make it funny, but it is not. I am feeling overwhelmed, and not sure at all that I will ever get all of this. I am not so sure that God REALLY called me to do this, did He? I know in my heart He did - but I did NOT know it would be this hard - and would creep into all the areas of my life I need to work on.

I WANT to learn to intently listen and care and love those around me. I WANT them to feel understood and cared for - so why are these skills so hard to learn? I wish having the will to do it was enough to get you there - but NO - after 40 - yes, I repeat 40 years of doing it incorrect - I can't expect to get it in one night I suppose.

I am going to go to bed, and not talk to anyone for a while - cuz now I will be questioning every response I give.

New Attitude

We are doing our 3rd annual Thanksgiving Community Dinner at St James this year. My family, including my mom, have been part of it since the first year. I have to admit, it is 3 days away and I was feeling overwhelmed this morning. I tend to get overwhelmed about things when I lose my focus on why I am doing them. Thanks to Jen's Post - http://unglazed.blogspot.com/2008/11/joy.html - I am now remembering what is important about this dinner.

My family LOVES doing it - Jake is always in charge of the servers, and being the little control freak that he is, he THRIVES at his job! Reagan, who is my quiet, reflective kid, has always just helped where needed and doesn't much like to be in the spotlight or play some huge roll. Yesterday she said everyone at school and church have been talking about their Thanksgiving plans. She said, "I am so glad we do what we do to celebrate Thanksgiving. It seems to have so much more meaning. I love that we all come from different walks of life, and different churches, but by the end of the day it feels like family." She is so right.

So, I am going to stop this minute stressing about the groceries and the cooking and if we will have enough food. I am going to remember it is about coming together and serving people that are lonely, or hungry. It is about those of us who have more then we should and those of us who don't have what they need, meeting on common ground. It is about being Christ's hands and his feet. It is about hugging the widow that is alone this year, or the divorced dad that is alone for Thanksgiving for the first time in years, or the homeless lady that hasn't bathed in a long while. It is about loving these people, just as others have loved me when I needed it most, but maybe didn't even deserve it, but they did it anyway.

Thanks Jen, it really isn't even about the turkey at all. It is about all of us coming together, the atheist and the christian, the poor and the rich, the young and the old and loving each other right where we are.

Mr and Mrs Snowman - or is it men???

I took this picture from my office window yesterday. If you look really close, right down there in the middle, 20 ft down to be exact, you will see the happy snowman couple - is it man or men - someone tell me PLZ! For the sake of my sanity and sparing you the question every time they come up during this post, I will refer to them as snowman - well, hell, I can call them whatever I like - this is my post after all, so, their last name is Snowman, OK???

Lizzie and her daddy made these snowmen - I was napping - sssshhhhh! Sometimes, when I have been having way TOO many birthday celebrations for someone over the hill and my age - like the past few days, I burrow away in my room and sneak in a nap. I took all my work stuff upstairs - well, I work from home, you know, and everything I need is in two spots, my Reliv notebook, and my day planner - so easy! So, when I head upstairs with those things, my family has been trained - "mom will be on the phone - stay clear!" So, could I help it if I called a few people that weren't home...and then my eyelids started to droop in weariness? So, I hid away for an hour and had a nap - it was blissful!

You know what else is blissful? This window in front of my desk - no panes or anything to block the view. I LOVE sitting and looking out my window into the world. From that view, I can see a lot of the valley and even into Belgrade or Bozeman. I can also see the horses - and NOW I can see Mr and Mrs Snowman. Who seem very content and happy together. I think they have a perfect marriage... that I can watch thru my perfect window... too bad life isn't really that way.

Locusts

SSSHHHHHHH

Don't tell anyone that it is my fault, OK? Everyone around here, including me, has been enjoying the unusually warm weather. I mean warm - it has been in the 60's some days, unheard of really in mid November.
Well, I prayed for snow on my birthday - and it snowed last night... SSSSHHHH don't tell anyone. I am afraid I might get stoned around here.
BUT secretly, it is beautiful, and white and crisp - and I LOVE it. God has given me so many gifts this year for my birthday already - and the snow is just the icing on the cake!!

Happy Birthday to ME!!!!!

5 Things you will never hear me say

Jen from Unglazed, http://unglazed.blogspot.com/ , did this a few weeks ago and I loved the idea.

So - Here are five things you will NEVER hear me say:



"I sure wish Lizzie would leave more things out in the living room!!"

"I wish my mom would not send me beautiful flowers."

"Too bad my grandma sewed all the curtains for my cabin the year before she died."

"Those are not the cutest eyes I have ever seen in my life."

"The bible is not my favorite book of all time!!"

Safe Place

There is a place that I feel safe. There has never been a time that I allowed myself to be pulled up close to this chest that I didn't immediately feel safe. Allow is an important word, I have resisted this safe place many times, when I felt angry or hurt or just felt I should do "life" on my own and not need someone else to lean on. This is Sean's chest. I took this picture this morning, I told him I needed a picture, he absentmindedly said, "OK". Then I said, well, I want a picture of your chest, and guess what? He was suddenly paying attention. "My What?" "Why??"!! I said, "I just want it", so, being the kind of man he is, without anymore questions he stood still while I took this close up of my safe place. He was just looking at me a bit odd, he is mostly used to my weirdness after 21 years. Then I just leaned in and put my cheek right on this exact spot and said, "I am going to blog about how safe I feel right here." He immediately wrapped his arms around me and said, "AAAAWWW, that makes me feel very special."

I have resisted going to this safe place more times than I should have. When Sean and I disagree, he is usually much more ready to make up than I am. It takes me awhile to be ready. He might try to pull me into his arms, but I will have no part of it. I know it is my own self preservation kicking in, the Michele that is truly afraid Sean will somehow end up like my father. The father that would hold my older sister on his lap, but when I would try to crawl up there I was always told I was "too heavy" for him to hold. When I feel hurt by Sean my fears of rejection pop up. I guess I learned early on that it was less painful to be the one pushing others away than to be pushed away myself. This is an area I have made progress in, just recognizing it helps.

There have also been many times I wanted more than anything to just be pulled into those strong arms and against that warm chest. I wanted it so bad, thinking he should be able to read my mind I suppose. I now realize I have a voice. I now just say to Sean, "I don't need you to try to fix anything, just hold me for a minute, please." Then within seconds I find my face against the safest place in the whole world and even though the situation has not changed, I can let it go. For the few minutes I am there, breathing in the smell of the man I love, listening to the heartbeat in his chest, feeling his arms around me and my cheek against his chest I feel safe, very, very safe.

Maxine!

Bread Give Away

One of my blog buddies, Shelley, is giving away some amazing bread - click here to check it out and enter:

http://logcabininmichigan.blogspot.com/

Homework

I am going through a six week training for my new volunteer position at Zoe Pregnancy Center. First of all - DO THESE PEOPLE NOT KNOW I HAVE A JOB, A FAMILY, and a LIFE?? Sorry - a little frustration at my hours of homework is slipping out a little. I don't know if it is about the time or about the fact that the training is very much in my face about things I have tried to hide from. Things I have used for coping mechanisms for years - like throwing the doily on the elephant in the middle of the room and calling it a table. That was a quote from my dear friend Alice that passed away a few years ago, but is still teaching me things today through her memory. I can call that elephant a table if I want, but the truth is, it is still an elephant and looming large in the middle of the room.

I worry about what people think. I spend WAY too much time worrying about how I said things and if I should have said anything at all ... or in the rare case I didn't say something, that I should have said something and what it should have been. I worry when getting dressed about the last time I wore this sweater and who saw me, cuz heaven forbid I wear the same sweater to choir two weeks in a row. None of those people have anything to do but worry about my repetition of clothing I am quite certain.

Mostly I worry that I am not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, kind enough. I worry that if the real Michele shows up - I will chase all those around me away. I have had people I held near and dear that abandoned me. Maybe if I would have spent less time worrying about doing something wrong that would chase them away and more time just being real with them, they might still be here. Maybe they were just people fighting their own issues and it wouldn't have mattered what I did or said - they would still be gone. The problem is, I will never know the truth. I have chosen to separate myself from a few people in my life - usually because they seem toxic to me. So, I am assuming this is the case - I must have been something less than positive, something they wanted away from. I wish I knew the answer so I could try to change, try to not chase anyone else I love and care about away EVER.

BUT - here I am worrying about what others think. If a relationship fails it is not all one sided, is it? I know I called this one friend at least 3 times asking forgiveness and asking to start over. She was kind, but never called me again. The other relationship was more of an email one - we had not seen each other in years and years. Then we reconnnected. Email conversations are hard - sometimes something meant one way is taken another, etc... that whole thing was just a misunderstanding that grew out of control. I apologized and told them they were very important to me...but I never ever got a reply back. Abandoned and rejected, my two biggest fears in life. Maybe that is why these two particular relationships haunt me. I am going to try to let these go and release the pressure that if I could just figure out what I did wrong I can prevent it in the future. I am going to try to take off the masks of self protection and just be me. It will be hard, because I am scared. But, honestly, this hiding behind them isn't' working for me either. The Me inside is screaming to just let it all go and let's live!!! So, I will attempt to begin today and spend less time worrying about what others think of me and more time just being the me I want to be. Wish me luck!

From Sappy to Happy

Well, today has definitely been happy! Lizzie and I made cupcakes. She helped and even iced them - wow - I think she will learn to enjoy cooking as much as I do!

Doesn't this melted chocolate look great?! Well, it is NOT - it is unsweetened chocolate. Jake thought he would sneak a little taste, and I heard a holler from the kitchen! He says, boy, when they say Unsweetened chocolate, they really mean it!

Here is Lizzie chopping up the chocolate. She had a lot of fun!

Here is another reason my day went from sappy to happy. No matter what is going on in my world, Lizzie can always bring some sunshine to it! Lizzie has discovered a new love for clay. These are early birthday presents - chocolates, a flower, and me in a passionate embrace with a snowman. I have NO idea why I am embracing a snowman. I really do like that I am so skinny compared to my cold friend, but this image really perplexes me. I am sure it means something on some level I am not getting???????? Those are my cards she made in the background. It has been a good day.

Sappy

I am feeling sappy today - It has been kind of an emotional weekend. It has certainly not been a bad weekend - I just feel very emotional - and NO ladies, it is NOT that time of the month!! :) If it was, I would not even be wondering why I am sappy!!

Maybe it is the fact that I have been listening to the Elvis station on XMradio all weekend... Or the fact I sat through two piano recitals in two days - I love you, Jake - that is apparent by that act alone! Why does listening to kids playing piano seem torturous?? Maybe it was the 2 hour family counseling appointment on Friday followed by the movie that brought up things too close to home for me, literally!! OR maybe it has just been a long weekend and I am drained. I don't know, but it is not necessarily a bad feeling...I am just feeling very reflective about all the areas of my life.

I hope tomorrow that sappy is replaced with happy.

For Worse?

Tonight we saw Fireproof. I am neither endorsing the movie or not endorsing it. It is definitely a B rate movie and has it's slow points. All things considered, Sean and I could identify with many elements of the movie. There is the obvious - the guy is a fire fighter, but also quite a few things hit pretty close to home. Sean said that he came away from the movie with hope. Hope that even though things are not easy, in fact, they are just down right hard some days, that if we keep plugging away each day, we will get there.

One of the quotes I really liked was, "When most people promise 'for better or for worse,' they only mean for the better." Let's face it, "the better" is so much easier to deal with. It is when it gets hard that I, personally, think of bailing. I don't think it is so much that I want to give up really, more I just want to protect myself from emotional pain. It is true this past year that Sean and I have come to a decision. The decision is that we honestly, truly love each other. We want this thing to work. So, even though it is WORK - we keep doing it. So, daily we will keep plugging away, trying to encourage each other instead being a discouragement. We will keep trying to overcome our not so healthy habits and replace them with better things. I am glad I have a man that wants to come along side me and together we can hold each other's hands while we heal. It is a good thing - forget that - it is freaking AMAZING!

Walk with a Mission

This photo was taken in August in St Louis. Reagan has that big grin because she just finished her first official 5K run. She was SO excited. I had just completed a one mile walk that I could not have even dreamed of doing the year before. Sean - well, Chica brought him along as her chauffeur apparently!! She walked about 1/4th of the mile, but she was tired out - just look at those short little legs - what do you think she is, a dog or something?

The Walk for a Mission raises funds to support the Kalogris Foundation. We are feeding over 43,000 starving people, mostly kids around the world. I am honored to be a part of it. http://reliv.com/US/EN/Images+of+Hope.html

Reagan has transformed in so many ways in the past few years. Two major things have greatly affected her self confidence. She used to have cystic acne. The dermatologist wanted to put her on acutane. She was furious, not because of the drug itself, but because it is a federal law that anyone on acutane must take birth control. She isn't much into government control. :) Secondly, she has gone from a size 17 to a size 9. It is so wonderful to see her be able to wear sundresses for the first time since hitting puberty - the acne was on her face, back and chest pretty severely. It is also fun to see her go shopping and enjoy herself! I am so glad that she is heading into a future so different from mine.

I have only lost 20 pounds over the past year. When fall hits one of the things I usually dread is pulling out all of my winter pants and trying to squeeze into them. Well, this is the first winter in a long time that everything fit comfortably!! That felt like a victory in itself. I will eventually get to a healthy size, I am OK with going slow with it. I am just glad for the first time in my life things are reversed, I am taking it off instead of putting it on!! Reagan is my inspiration.

Poetry

Sometimes I wish I could write poetry. When I feel melancholy and reflective it would be nice to know how to put that into something beautiful.

I wish I knew how to explain that after 21 years, 3 kids and lots of good and bad times that I still miss Sean when he is not home. It is like a piece of me is missing. I don't always feel that way, but tonight I do. It has been a good day, a really good day, but right now I am tired. I wish I could just crawl into bed beside him and talk to him in the dark. It would have been even better if he would have been by my side to experience this good day with me and we could talk about it together. Somehow, when I experience something amazing, I can never quite explain it in the same way it would be to just experience it.

The truth is, if Sean would have been here with me today...we probably would have not appreciated it. We would have been distracted with all that was going on to stop and realize that being together and experiencing it together in itself is a gift. I probably would have found something to bitch at him about - he didn't do something the way I thought he should have, he was late, he forgot something he said he would do, etc... If he was here with me right now would I be able to just stop and realize that being with him in itself would be a gift. I hope so, but how many nights over the past 21 years did I forget that?

Great Day

It is going to be a great day!! I am so excited I can hardly stand it!! One of the Vice Presidents of Reliv will be here in little ole Bozeman today. He will be here to discuss the new product - see previous post.

Having gotten to meet many of our corporate leaders and sit down and visit with them, I am still amazed at just their down to earthness. That sounded weird - what I am trying to convey is that they are just the most humble, wonderful people you would ever want to meet. They do not elevate themselves or expect any special treatment. In fact, if anything, they are spending their time serving us and seeing how they can help us. It is such a flip flop from most corporate jobs. They are just genuine people, just like you and me. I LOVE that! It is just another reason I am so blessed and feel honored to be a part of Reliv International.

It is going to be a fun day!! Hope yours is fabulous as well!!!

Glucaffect

I am SO excited about this new product!! It has amazing clinical trials that included a dropping of blood sugar levels with an average of 30% and weight loss of 16 pounds in the 8 weeks study - AMAZING!! It is intended to also help with Metabolic Syndrome which has lots of different precursors for things. I am SO excited to start it!! I am SO grateful to have found a company that focuses on the true issues facing our world's health instead of just worshiping the almighty dollar!! I will keep you posted on our results at our house.

Forty years old

I will be forty in a few weeks. I keep thinking some sort of dark depression will come upon me, but it doesn't seem to be showing up. Maybe it will the morning I wake up and realize I am actually forty, but I kinda doubt it. The truth is, I feel better at forty than I did at thirty actually. I was not sick yet at thirty, but I was tired and just not that motivated. I was beginning to have knee and foot pain and had major PMS. I had blood sugar drops at times that left me shaky...so yes, my body was already starting to show some signs of deteriorating! How fab at 40 to have those things gone!!

I can still remember the day I turned thirty, standing in the bathroom, looking in the mirror. I am glad I did not know then what hard times were ahead for me. We had only moved to Montana a few months before I turned thirty. I remember looking in the mirror thinking, "Jesus' ministry started at age thirty". I can not tell you where that even came from - or why it is so vivid in my memory.

I wonder what I will be thinking in a few weeks when I look at myself on the morning I turn forty years old? I know one thing, I feel more like I am on the right path for my life than I ever have before. I feel excited every morning about my day. I do think I am finally becoming the wonderful woman that lurked inside of me all those years, but never could really get out. I think I am truly beginning to be the Michele I was designed to be. I am FAR from arrived, but it feels good to at least know I am going down the right path.

Forty, smorty...it is just a number, right?!!!

Awful or Fabulous?

Silliness

I LOVE this picture!! I have no idea who these ladies really are, or what their story is - but to me this picture is like reading a story. First of all, it seems just down right humorous. I don't know why, but I feel a deeper feeling, way down in my gut when I look at these women. Maybe because they look like they have seen a lot of heartache in their lifetime. They are obviously from a culture that believes women should keep their heads covered and that speaks of oppression to me. Yet, in this image, here they are bowling together! I think it speaks of hope and freedom and just downright silliness.

I want my life to be like that. Yes, there will always be heartache and disappointment, but can I rise above it, live through it, and just plain survive? I was not always sure I would be able to. I told my two older kids yesterday that they were worth living for. We had been in some pretty deep dark conversation before hand...but I thought they should know. They should know that all those years I spent in my dark bedroom in the deep pit of severe physical illness and a deep depression, they were the reason I tried each day. When I lay in that bed curled up in a fetal position, sobbing, just wanting to die so the pain would all end, it was their faces that kept me from doing something stupid, something hard to even imagine now, but came easily to my mind then. It was the thought of the trauma they would endure that helped me to stick with it and endure my own darkness. It was their faces that helped me to never give up until I found an answer.

I am so grateful to them. Grateful that they were so wonderful about it all back then. Grateful that after I began healing they could express their anger and resentment about it all and we could all heal together. Grateful that they wanted to spend time with me last night and I could express to them that they are worth living for. It was also important they understand it was not just about me, it is about their future. It is about all the people they will impact in a similar way through out their life, the people that will be fortunate enough to know them - because, they are some of the most wonderful people I believe I will ever have the privilege to know.

I want to be old some day and just drop whatever I am doing and go bowling with my friends. I want to feel hopeful, free, and just plain silly. But, I don't think I will wait for all of that, I believe I will start doing those things today. Want to join me?

Wicked Wok

This is dedicated to Citizen - who always finds crazy signs in her town. OK - so NO this is not a sign I actually found in my town, and NO I didn't actually take the picture - it was forwarded to me thru an email, actually, but I thought it was hilarious. Of course if it was in my town and I had just eaten there, the humor would probably be lost on me...

Anyway, just thought it was good for a laugh this morning - hope you get one out of it as well! Happy Friday!!

I've slipped

I wonder why the Internet has a safe feel to it? I think it is the anonymity of it. People will say things online that they would never say to someone's face. I am guilty of it as well. I feel like I have made a lot of progress as far as my healthy communication with people. I thought I was to the point, if I saw something that I didn't like, I could just move along and ignore it. I do this most of the time, but not today. Today I commented in a passive aggressive way. I felt justified for a while...then later today it began to creep back into my thoughts. I couldn't' shake it. I just went back and apologized to my friend. He is gracious and will forgive me, I have no doubt. I will also forgive myself - because all the guilt is counterproductive.

The issue for me is why did I slip back into old behaviors? It has been a weird week with lots of stresses from all different directions. I have not been getting enough sleep. Those things probably all contribute to it, but don't explain it fully. The truth is, I don't want to be that woman. The one that is easily offended, specifically by men. It is not their fault my dad was a jerk and I expect them to be simply because they have a - well you know. I don't want to be that woman that snuck out today and let fears override common sense. I know this guy fairly well and know that He has a wonderful heart and good intentions. So, what was all this about? Why did I react so strongly within myself?

Fear makes us do silly things. Fear of being let down, fear of not being heard, fear of someone turning out to be something totally different than I always thought they were. These were my experiences with my father - and I unconsciously sit and wait for every man in my life to eventually be that way as well. I pray one day that hurt little girl that just wanted her daddy to love her as she was will be healed. She has come along way - just sometimes she forgets she is safe and lovable and can trust those around her. Sometimes I just slip...but at least I can recognize it now, and move past it and move on.

Obama and McCain

I thought both Obama and McCain gave amazing speeches last night. I liked that both of them encouraged unity among all supporters and non supporters. In fact, I think they were more gracious towards each other than any Presidential candidates I can remember since I started voting. I pray we can all take their lead and put our differences aside and work together.

I have to admit, I did not care much for McCain when all this started, but I have grown to have respect for him. I think his speech was earnest and sincere:

"Sen. Obama has achieved a great thing for himself and for his country. I applaud him for it, and offer him my sincere sympathy that his beloved grandmother did not live to see this day. Though our faith assures us she is at rest in the presence of her creator and so very proud of the good man she helped raise.
Sen. Obama and I have had and argued our differences, and he has prevailed. No doubt many of those differences remain.
These are difficult times for our country. And I pledge to him tonight to do all in my power to help him lead us through the many challenges we face.
I urge all Americans who supported me to join me in not just congratulating him, but offering our next president our good will and earnest effort to find ways to come together to find the necessary compromises to bridge our differences and help restore our prosperity, defend our security in a dangerous world, and leave our children and grandchildren a stronger, better country than we inherited.
Whatever our differences, we are fellow Americans. And please believe me when I say no association has ever meant more to me than that."

I don't know how anyone could listen to Obama last night and not feel inspired. If nothing else, I believe he will inspire us to be better people. He is a "look at the glass half-full" kind of guy. My kind of person - I do pray there will be change for good for all of us:

"Sen. McCain fought long and hard in this campaign. And he's fought even longer and harder for the country that he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine. We are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader.
I congratulate him; I congratulate Gov. Palin for all that they've achieved. And I look forward to working with them to renew this nation's promise in the months ahead...

In this country, we rise or fall as one nation, as one people. Let's resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long.
Let's remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House, a party founded on the values of self-reliance and individual liberty and national unity.
Those are values that we all share. And while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress.
As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, we are not enemies but friends. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection.
And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn, I may not have won your vote tonight, but I hear your voices. I need your help. And I will be your president, too."

My Election Prediction

By the end of the day today, we will know a lot about the future of the United States . You might be surprised to learn that I am about to predict the outcome - I am about to predict what will happen after the election. Before the votes are counted, even before the voting booths close, I can predict with 100% accuracy that the following things will happen...

1. The Bible will still have all the answers. 2. Prayer will still work.

3. The Holy Spirit will still move. 4. God will still inhabit the praise of His people.

5. God will still pour out His blessings upon His people. 6. There will still be God-anointed teaching and preaching.

7. There will still be singing of praise to God.

8. There will still be room at the Cross.

9. Jesus will still love His own. 10. Jesus will still save the lost. Whatever the outcome of this
election, remember, God is still in control. Today, tomorrow, forever... God is still in control.

One Year

It is amazing how much difference a year can make in your life. I don't think I really notice the day to day differences in my health until something triggers a memory or something. Last Halloween I can remember that by the time I got Lizzie dressed and ready I was already feeling tired and pooped. In fact, I didn't go with her and Sean to do the downtown tricker treating. Our main street does tricker treating from 3 -6 and the stores hand out candy. It is probably a 6 block radius and you can go up one side, then down the other. Last year it would have exhausted me to walk that far, not to mention my anxiety would have been out the roof - "what?? walk that far without food? what if I get low blood sugar???" You might think I am joking, but the truth is, my anxiety level had actually dropped quite a bit at that point. Yea - I used to be REALLY a nutcase!!

At the point when my anxiety was it's worse, about 2 1/2 years ago I could not even be on a grocery store aisle alone! I couldn't even walk into a store without my mom or my husband!! I used to be embarrassed about my anxiety and tried to hide it from everyone and for sure would have never admitted what I just did to the whole world wide web!! Do you know why? Cuz I really was afraid that I was just crazy and belonged in an institution or something! In fact, I wonder how many poor souls are in mental hospitals right now that actually aren't crazy at all - just have something physical going on that no one has figured out yet?

Anyway - back to good things! This year I tricker treated with my daughter for an hour and a half on main street. Then we went to two carnivals after that. We went with friends and all had a blast!!! I could not believe my stamina!!! It was about 90% better than the year before, which was about 100% better than the year before that!! Boy, in a few years I will be like Wonder Woman or something!!! I am joking here - but I have actually teared up several times this weekend because my heart is so full of gratitude for the healing I have recieved physically, emotionally, and spiritually. All glory goes to my Heavenly Father - who heard my cries and pleas and reached down and picked me up!!!

Warning - Controversial Video

http://hotair.com/archives/2008/10/23/video-zo-on-health-care-energy-taxes-pretty-much-everything/

Daylight Savings

I am GRATEFUL for an extra hour!! I always feel vindicated in the fall, like I am finally getting that hour back that was stolen from me in the Spring!!

I LOVE this extra hour... love this extra hour... love this extra hour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just thought I would let you know. Hope you all did something great with the extra time - like get much needed rest, or had wild sex, or spent time with someone you enjoy.

Did I mention that I love this extra hour?????