Thursday, August 7, 2008

Candid

I am feeling inspired to be more candid in my writing. "Shameless Jonah" inspired me - check out his blog listed in my blog list. His writing is amazing - it is almost like experiencing it yourself. I do not dare to dream I have the capability to write as well as he does, but I do love his transparancy. That appeals to me in a great way. It feels cleansing somehow, and I want that in my own life.

Who is Michele? Well, to be honest I am really still trying to find out. Due to years of struggling with a debilitating illness, I have done a lot of therapy over the past 5 years. Maybe I should start with my family of origin.

I am the youngest of two girls, my sister being three years older than I am. Our parents are both adult children of alcoholics, so do you know the definition of Co-dependent? :) Also, my father has a lot of narcistic tendencies and bottom line is that as with most narcisists there is a scapegoat child - that was me. OH - do not pity me, the chosen child has issues to deal with as well, and being ignored was not always a bad thing - there can be lots of good things associated with that.

As a child I made an unconcience conclusion that there was something inherently wrong with me. It must be me, right? Because no father just dislikes a child for no good reason. Besides, my sister seemed near perfect, and I was always the chubby clumsy one. If I could just be more like her I would be acceptable - problem is - I denied the wonderful Michele I was designed to be for most of my life. Where am I now? Today I do not make decisions based on being acceptable or loved. I try anyway, to be true to me, love me or leave me - If you really love me, then you will find me acceptable without me having to bow to your wishes and be your doormat. I don't mean there isn't compromise, but I now stand for what I do believe in and pick the battles that feel important to me and don't back down on those.

I also look back and feel so grateful that I did not make worse choices as a teen where guys were concerned. I did and at times still do have this deep void of needing to know I am loved by the opposite sex. I truly struggle between judging all men in an unfair way because of my father experience and just assumed they are all jerks and self-serving. The flip side is this perpetual void of that little girl in me wanting to desperately be desired and loved. The good news is that I am no longer willing to sacrifice myself in order to recieve acceptance, although sometimes the desire to be unconditionally loved makes me want to be whatever they want so they will not leave me. I don't just mean my husband, but even father - type figures in my life. But that wouldn't be unconditional love then, would it?

I feel more free today as a person than I ever have. I also feel more vulnerable. One thing about having walls up for protection, they not only protect, but also have kept me from truly living. The things I thought were protecting were actually a bondage of sorts at the same time. When you truly open yourself up, it can be scary, because the chance of being hurt is much greater, but the rewards are so much more real as well! The great things are so worth the times of pain.

8 comments:

Shellmo said...

It is hard to open yourself up - I think everyone feels vulnerable. Good for you! Your post today reminded me of a quote:

Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.

-William James
US Pragmatist philosopher & psychologist (1842 - 1910)

Jen said...

Glad you are up and running again, in all aspects!
I can relate to a lot of what you say here.

reliv4life said...

shellmo - thanks, I like that quote!

jen - yes, so far so good on up and running, in all aspects actually. :)

Cassie said...

To open up: refreshing, yes? I've come to realize that there is no "Ozzie & Harriet" family. We've all had our share of disfunction. I just try to keep the present disfuntion to the bare minimum!! There is a great book called The Blessing (by Gary Smalley or John Trent I think)that you should read. It was a true blessing to me when I did the Bible study of it.

Friar Tuck said...

I appreciate you being so open

reliv4life said...

Cassie - "minimum disfunction" EXACTLY!! I will check out the book - thanks!

Friar - thanks

citizen of the world said...

Ha! I'm going to take indirect credit for your candidness since I steered you to Jonah!

But seriously, it's freeing, isn't it? You find you are not alone, and it's a wonderfully supportive environment.

reliv4life said...

Citizen - take credit,please! Yes, it is freeing.