So, Sean and I started dating. We actually got pretty serious fairly quickly. He has such a quiet nature, yet he is very strong. I think I was attracted to that quiet strength in him, which was different than anyone I had ever known.
I think the true turning point in our relationship happened one night during our senior year of high school. I really loved him and he really loved me. I was so afraid of the rejection that I knew would eventually come. Remember my pattern - break up with them before they break up with me - less pain that way. So, it had come to that point in the relationship for me. After all, he would eventually figure out that I was not all that great - I couldn't keep up the facade forever after all!
So, that night Sean came over, I told him we had to talk. I TRIED to break up with him. Tried is the operative word, you guys, cuz that boy refused to leave!! I tried every tactic I knew: "You haven't dated enough girls yet" "you will figure out one day you should have looked further" "We don't have much in common" "we have totally different opinions on most things" I went on and on and on! He would not budge. He just sat there, in the middle of the living room floor, both of us sobbing. He kept saying, "You are the only girl I have ever wanted and you are the only girl I will ever want!" He refused to leave, heck, he wouldn't even get up off that floor. It was as if his butt was glued to the carpet.
You know, typing this, I am thinking... I had often pushed people away as a defense mechanism to protect myself. I think this instance with Sean was the first time in my life that when I pushed they didn't leave. I was at a loss...what was I suppose to do now? This was new territory for me. I finally allowed him to just wrap his arms around me and we both cried. I knew then that there was something very different about this guy.
I wish I could tell you that was the last time I pushed him to see if he was serious about staying. I actually only figured out about 3 or 4 years ago that I have always done this. I tested him on many occasions to see if he really meant that he was in for the long haul. Guess what? He has passed every test. Sean is far from perfect, but I do believe he loves me with all his heart. We have been through a few rough years lately, but we are both doing our work on ourselves and growing to love ourselves more and each other again. No, Sean is not perfect, but neither am I! We have each other though, both willing to stick this thing out and love and encourage each other in the areas we both feel empty or inadequate. That is something to be proud of, and I am proud of both of us!