Wednesday, September 24, 2008


"So, guys, I think I'm falling in love with my husband."

I don't know why, but I feel the need to write the whole story. I mean my whole "man" story. Not that I am a man - but the story of the men, or boys, in my life. You already know I had "dad issues". I guess looking back I didn't really have many positive male role models growing up. My maternal grandfather was an alcoholic - no abuse really - but absent emotionally. My paternal grandfather, well, the actual blood one died before I was born and my grandma was married 7 times to many interesting characters - none of which had any desire to invest in any of us grandkids. So, yea - not really any men in my life. I didn't even have any brothers.

When I consider all of that, I think God must have had His hand of protection on me and my choices in boyfriends. That little girl inside of me had a deep longing to be loved and accepted by her dad. Most girls in that mental state can be vulnerable to making some bad decisions in the hopes of male attention. So, like I said, I think I was pretty blessed. I did have my first boyfriend at 12, and almost always had a boyfriend - both probably symptoms of trying to fill that void - but I never really dated any actual jerks. So, in that way, I consider myself fortunate.

My first boyfriend was David Wolfe. Weird name, huh? I have NO idea how we even met. We lived across town from each other and went to different churches and schools. We must have met at some church function or something? Oh well - I don't remember much about it, other than his parents were very nice. They would drive across town and pick me up all the time. I went to his football games, the movies, out to eat, but mostly his house. I always felt weird there because we would all go in the front door and David would immediately take my hand and lead me to his bedroom. He always shut the door. I don't remember having any deep discussions. I can kinda remember he had a dart board in there and we would play darts. We kissed a little, but I was always creeped out with the door shut thinking his parents probably thought we were kissing - so I sure didn't want to be doing that!

I do remember our first kiss though. It was one of our first dates and of course his parents were in the car in the driveway. He walked me to the door. Luckily, we had a large pine tree that sheltered the porch and he leaned down and kissed me. I think it was nice, but certainly not earth shattering.

I think we dated a few months, but then I broke up with him. I knew that eventually he would figure out the "real" me and find out the truth that I was "unacceptable and unlovable" and leave me anyway. Better to be in control of the pain and just get the inevitable over with before he abandoned me. That would have been much harder to deal with.

I do remember a few months after that my mom telling me she saw his mom and she said David was still heartbroken. I can't remember if I felt sad or not. I now look back and realize how funny it is that when we are in pain, we inflict pain on others. I didn't recognize it then, of course.

To Be Continued...

1 comment:

Jen said...

I've had forgetable relationships too.