Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Finally


I can't believe I am finally here. I have not had Internet again - surprise surprise!! There are been so many things happening in my life I am not sure where to begin.

I am in a melancholy mood, so I guess this post will be reflective today. I have had many friends that have come into my life. Only a handful have gone out, and I still feel grief for each and every one of them. I am not talking about a separation by location. That is sad, but a friendship can and will survive that if both friends desire it.

I am talking about friends that I have lost without even really knowing or understanding why. One thing about a friendship, it must be two sided. Kinda like a marriage, one partner can not want it bad enough for both people. There must be a working relationship where both people have a vested interest. The first friend I ever lost was in 4th grade. Her name was Melinda. I enjoyed her a lot. We had even gone to each others grandparent's houses together. That is actually a very fond memory of mine - the weekend at her grandparent's ranch. Eventually there was some mix up - I can't even remember what about - and we just never spoke again. Isn't that sad? I had another friend like that in high school, same type scenario.

As an adult I have only lost two friendships. Even now, as I sit here typing this, my chest feels heavy with grief. I tend to feel like somehow I was unlovable or unacceptable. That is from my childhood rejection issues from my father. I realize that, but the pain is still real. I spent years trying to pacify people and be a people pleaser because of my fears of being rejected. I now try to just be me! It is a good feeling. I also know in these adult situations I went to these two people - one was several years ago and one was within the past few months - and I apologized and took responsibility for my part. I know I did all I could do to rectify the situation, but they still chose to move on. It grieves me, and I pray one day it will be a different story. At the same time, I live in peace knowing I readily admit to my imperfections and did all I could do. I have peace with that - but when does the pain totally go away?

8 comments:

Friar Tuck said...

Thanks for sharing. I think many of us have had similar experience.

Shellmo said...

Glad you're back!!
I think many of us can connect w/ this post - we have lost friends - they have lost us. Sometimes I think people are put in our lives at a special time when we need them or they need us.

reliv4life said...

friar - sadly, I suppose so

Shellmo - thanks!! glad to be back! Yea - I suppose everything happens for a reason.

Jen said...

Taking blame and forgivness are two characteristics that aren't always easily found in a person.
You have a good spirit in you.

reliv4life said...

Shellmo - you know I was thinking of your comments and there are people that kind of drift in and out of our lives, but these 2 in particular were CLOSE people - friends that I thought would be there always, you know?

Jen - thanks that is a very kind thing for you to say.

Shellmo said...

Hi Michele - didn't mean to discount close friendships - sorry! I hate to think of someone hurting. I think it takes such a special person to apologize, acknowledge and try to salvage a friendship - that is a true friend!

reliv4life said...

Hey Shell - you didn't offend me, hope it didn't come across like that. I had just been thinking on it and wanted to clarify the difference I guess. I am not really hurting, just grieve the loss at times I suppose. Just all seems so stupid, you know?? thanks for your kindness!

citizen of the world said...

"but when does the pain totally go away?" Never. At least, not in my opinion. A loss stays with you, but it lessens over time.