I can't believe I am finally here. I have not had Internet again - surprise surprise!! There are been so many things happening in my life I am not sure where to begin.
I am in a melancholy mood, so I guess this post will be reflective today. I have had many friends that have come into my life. Only a handful have gone out, and I still feel grief for each and every one of them. I am not talking about a separation by location. That is sad, but a friendship can and will survive that if both friends desire it.
I am talking about friends that I have lost without even really knowing or understanding why. One thing about a friendship, it must be two sided. Kinda like a marriage, one partner can not want it bad enough for both people. There must be a working relationship where both people have a vested interest. The first friend I ever lost was in 4th grade. Her name was Melinda. I enjoyed her a lot. We had even gone to each others grandparent's houses together. That is actually a very fond memory of mine - the weekend at her grandparent's ranch. Eventually there was some mix up - I can't even remember what about - and we just never spoke again. Isn't that sad? I had another friend like that in high school, same type scenario.
As an adult I have only lost two friendships. Even now, as I sit here typing this, my chest feels heavy with grief. I tend to feel like somehow I was unlovable or unacceptable. That is from my childhood rejection issues from my father. I realize that, but the pain is still real. I spent years trying to pacify people and be a people pleaser because of my fears of being rejected. I now try to just be me! It is a good feeling. I also know in these adult situations I went to these two people - one was several years ago and one was within the past few months - and I apologized and took responsibility for my part. I know I did all I could do to rectify the situation, but they still chose to move on. It grieves me, and I pray one day it will be a different story. At the same time, I live in peace knowing I readily admit to my imperfections and did all I could do. I have peace with that - but when does the pain totally go away?
I am in a melancholy mood, so I guess this post will be reflective today. I have had many friends that have come into my life. Only a handful have gone out, and I still feel grief for each and every one of them. I am not talking about a separation by location. That is sad, but a friendship can and will survive that if both friends desire it.
I am talking about friends that I have lost without even really knowing or understanding why. One thing about a friendship, it must be two sided. Kinda like a marriage, one partner can not want it bad enough for both people. There must be a working relationship where both people have a vested interest. The first friend I ever lost was in 4th grade. Her name was Melinda. I enjoyed her a lot. We had even gone to each others grandparent's houses together. That is actually a very fond memory of mine - the weekend at her grandparent's ranch. Eventually there was some mix up - I can't even remember what about - and we just never spoke again. Isn't that sad? I had another friend like that in high school, same type scenario.
As an adult I have only lost two friendships. Even now, as I sit here typing this, my chest feels heavy with grief. I tend to feel like somehow I was unlovable or unacceptable. That is from my childhood rejection issues from my father. I realize that, but the pain is still real. I spent years trying to pacify people and be a people pleaser because of my fears of being rejected. I now try to just be me! It is a good feeling. I also know in these adult situations I went to these two people - one was several years ago and one was within the past few months - and I apologized and took responsibility for my part. I know I did all I could do to rectify the situation, but they still chose to move on. It grieves me, and I pray one day it will be a different story. At the same time, I live in peace knowing I readily admit to my imperfections and did all I could do. I have peace with that - but when does the pain totally go away?
8 comments:
Thanks for sharing. I think many of us have had similar experience.
Glad you're back!!
I think many of us can connect w/ this post - we have lost friends - they have lost us. Sometimes I think people are put in our lives at a special time when we need them or they need us.
friar - sadly, I suppose so
Shellmo - thanks!! glad to be back! Yea - I suppose everything happens for a reason.
Taking blame and forgivness are two characteristics that aren't always easily found in a person.
You have a good spirit in you.
Shellmo - you know I was thinking of your comments and there are people that kind of drift in and out of our lives, but these 2 in particular were CLOSE people - friends that I thought would be there always, you know?
Jen - thanks that is a very kind thing for you to say.
Hi Michele - didn't mean to discount close friendships - sorry! I hate to think of someone hurting. I think it takes such a special person to apologize, acknowledge and try to salvage a friendship - that is a true friend!
Hey Shell - you didn't offend me, hope it didn't come across like that. I had just been thinking on it and wanted to clarify the difference I guess. I am not really hurting, just grieve the loss at times I suppose. Just all seems so stupid, you know?? thanks for your kindness!
"but when does the pain totally go away?" Never. At least, not in my opinion. A loss stays with you, but it lessens over time.
Post a Comment