So, Sean and I started dating. We actually got pretty serious fairly quickly. He has such a quiet nature, yet he is very strong. I think I was attracted to that quiet strength in him, which was different than anyone I had ever known.
I think the true turning point in our relationship happened one night during our senior year of high school. I really loved him and he really loved me. I was so afraid of the rejection that I knew would eventually come. Remember my pattern - break up with them before they break up with me - less pain that way. So, it had come to that point in the relationship for me. After all, he would eventually figure out that I was not all that great - I couldn't keep up the facade forever after all!
So, that night Sean came over, I told him we had to talk. I TRIED to break up with him. Tried is the operative word, you guys, cuz that boy refused to leave!! I tried every tactic I knew: "You haven't dated enough girls yet" "you will figure out one day you should have looked further" "We don't have much in common" "we have totally different opinions on most things" I went on and on and on! He would not budge. He just sat there, in the middle of the living room floor, both of us sobbing. He kept saying, "You are the only girl I have ever wanted and you are the only girl I will ever want!" He refused to leave, heck, he wouldn't even get up off that floor. It was as if his butt was glued to the carpet.
You know, typing this, I am thinking... I had often pushed people away as a defense mechanism to protect myself. I think this instance with Sean was the first time in my life that when I pushed they didn't leave. I was at a loss...what was I suppose to do now? This was new territory for me. I finally allowed him to just wrap his arms around me and we both cried. I knew then that there was something very different about this guy.
I wish I could tell you that was the last time I pushed him to see if he was serious about staying. I actually only figured out about 3 or 4 years ago that I have always done this. I tested him on many occasions to see if he really meant that he was in for the long haul. Guess what? He has passed every test. Sean is far from perfect, but I do believe he loves me with all his heart. We have been through a few rough years lately, but we are both doing our work on ourselves and growing to love ourselves more and each other again. No, Sean is not perfect, but neither am I! We have each other though, both willing to stick this thing out and love and encourage each other in the areas we both feel empty or inadequate. That is something to be proud of, and I am proud of both of us!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Patrick "Sean" Grabbe
I had known Sean for a while. One day my mom had said to me, "I think that Grabbe kid is cute." Well, I didn't have a choice, I had to cross him off my list cuz NO teenage girl wants to date someone their mother thinks is cute!
We were both swimmers and on long distance trips sometimes the girls would draw names and do something special for the guy the drew. This particular trip I drew Sean's name. I baked snickerdoodles. So, there you have it, our relationship started with cookies! I don't remember much about the trip. It was to either Lubbock or San Angelo because we only chartered real buses for the longer trips and we were on a nice bus that night. It was late, the swim meet was over and we were heading back. To tell you the truth I have no idea what drew me to go sit in the empty seat next to him. If I have to be honest, I was probably hungry and wanted some of my own cookies! I sat beside him and it was only a few minutes until he pulled out the cookie tin and leaned over and offered me one, with out a word being spoken. That sums up a lot of our relationship even now, 21 years later. Sean often knows what I want or need even if I don't always recognize it at first.
He was listening to Billy Joel on his Walkman. I was listening to something else. He had one of those adaptors so two headphones can be plugged in so we eventually were listening to "Piano Man" together. It was a long time we just sat there - probably at least an hour. There was a strong chemistry going on for me. It was funny, this was a guy that was VERY quiet and blended into the woodwork easily and I had never noticed much before. Now, suddenly I was feeling VERY drawn to him. I can still remember plainly when our pinkies kinda brushed each other on the seat between us. I think my heart may have skipped a beat when he reached and took my hand. So, the rest of the way home we sat like that, holding hands and hearing the words of Billy in both our ears. There were kids screaming, laughing, and acting crazy all around us yet were in our own little haven. The other day when I confessed that I think I am falling back in love with Sean? Well, I just looked up and saw him across the kitchen and my heart did that same skipping feeling it did the first time he took my hand. Twenty one years later he can still do that to me, even when I am not looking for it and sometimes don't even want it to happen. It is always unexpected and usually over something small.
I walked into my house that night about midnight. I immediately snuck into my parent's room and woke my mom up. I said, "I have to talk to you!" Right now I can picture her in my mind. She was sitting at the kitchen table...well, slumping actually, half asleep. I said, "You are never gonna believe who I held hands with on the bus tonight!" She looked right at me, grinned a bit and replied, "Sean Grabbe". JUST LIKE THAT! How did she know? To this day she just said she always had a feeling about him.
It took him two weeks to get enough courage to call and ask me out. I had given up by then, I thought it was just a one night incident. Boy I am glad I was wrong and he was just procrastinating. Gosh sitting here writing this I feel a bit of fear in my heart, what if he never would have made that call? But, he did and I didn't have any idea at that time that he would be the salve my damaged heart needed to heal.
We were both swimmers and on long distance trips sometimes the girls would draw names and do something special for the guy the drew. This particular trip I drew Sean's name. I baked snickerdoodles. So, there you have it, our relationship started with cookies! I don't remember much about the trip. It was to either Lubbock or San Angelo because we only chartered real buses for the longer trips and we were on a nice bus that night. It was late, the swim meet was over and we were heading back. To tell you the truth I have no idea what drew me to go sit in the empty seat next to him. If I have to be honest, I was probably hungry and wanted some of my own cookies! I sat beside him and it was only a few minutes until he pulled out the cookie tin and leaned over and offered me one, with out a word being spoken. That sums up a lot of our relationship even now, 21 years later. Sean often knows what I want or need even if I don't always recognize it at first.
He was listening to Billy Joel on his Walkman. I was listening to something else. He had one of those adaptors so two headphones can be plugged in so we eventually were listening to "Piano Man" together. It was a long time we just sat there - probably at least an hour. There was a strong chemistry going on for me. It was funny, this was a guy that was VERY quiet and blended into the woodwork easily and I had never noticed much before. Now, suddenly I was feeling VERY drawn to him. I can still remember plainly when our pinkies kinda brushed each other on the seat between us. I think my heart may have skipped a beat when he reached and took my hand. So, the rest of the way home we sat like that, holding hands and hearing the words of Billy in both our ears. There were kids screaming, laughing, and acting crazy all around us yet were in our own little haven. The other day when I confessed that I think I am falling back in love with Sean? Well, I just looked up and saw him across the kitchen and my heart did that same skipping feeling it did the first time he took my hand. Twenty one years later he can still do that to me, even when I am not looking for it and sometimes don't even want it to happen. It is always unexpected and usually over something small.
I walked into my house that night about midnight. I immediately snuck into my parent's room and woke my mom up. I said, "I have to talk to you!" Right now I can picture her in my mind. She was sitting at the kitchen table...well, slumping actually, half asleep. I said, "You are never gonna believe who I held hands with on the bus tonight!" She looked right at me, grinned a bit and replied, "Sean Grabbe". JUST LIKE THAT! How did she know? To this day she just said she always had a feeling about him.
It took him two weeks to get enough courage to call and ask me out. I had given up by then, I thought it was just a one night incident. Boy I am glad I was wrong and he was just procrastinating. Gosh sitting here writing this I feel a bit of fear in my heart, what if he never would have made that call? But, he did and I didn't have any idea at that time that he would be the salve my damaged heart needed to heal.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Jay - Part II
Well, once we got home from mission trip I didn't see Jay much. We lived 5 hours apart. We wrote letters and there were phone calls. We went there for a visit once, then he drove up and stayed in Odessa for a week.
That was a crazy week and not one I am particularly proud of. We did quite a bit of drinking and quite a bit of parking and making out. It was not a good thing. I was easily swept up into the moment, but regretted it later, ever experienced that? To this day I have no idea what would happen to me when I was around him - it was like I lost all sense of reasoning. I hardly recognized myself. When that week was over and I had time to reflect, it felt scary. I did not even recognize who I became when I was around him - I certainly was not proud of my behavior.
At the end of that week Jay drove out of town and I have not seen him to this day. We did reconnect about a year and a half ago by email. We both remember the ending of our relationship differently, but it doesn't really matter. After that summer he followed his dream and became a marine. He fought in the Gulf War. He did tell me that sometimes out there in the desert he would think about my mom's chicken fried steak. I wasn't brave enough to ask if he ever thought of me out there, somethings are better left unknown.
I was sad to find out that my dad had said some rude comments to Jay that week he stayed with us. Weird to find out 20 years after the fact. I would like to believe it was my dad's way of looking out for me. Knowing my dad though, I think he was just being the racist, arrogant jerk he can play so well.
I am a firm believer that things happen like they are suppose to happen. Jay is married and has 3 kids. Do you remember my friend Herman that I asked for prayer for awhile back when he was in the hospital? Well, he is Jay's dad. Herman and I email almost daily. We reconnected a few years ago and it has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. He is a huge source of encouragement and always brings a smile to my face. We talk about lots of things, but Jay rarely comes up. I think we both respect that.
You will be happy to know this concludes my "boyfriend saga"! I don't know why, but I needed to write this for me. I think sometimes it is good to see where you came from to appreciate where you are now.
The next chapter will be about my Knight in shining armor that swept me right off of my feet - Sean.
That was a crazy week and not one I am particularly proud of. We did quite a bit of drinking and quite a bit of parking and making out. It was not a good thing. I was easily swept up into the moment, but regretted it later, ever experienced that? To this day I have no idea what would happen to me when I was around him - it was like I lost all sense of reasoning. I hardly recognized myself. When that week was over and I had time to reflect, it felt scary. I did not even recognize who I became when I was around him - I certainly was not proud of my behavior.
At the end of that week Jay drove out of town and I have not seen him to this day. We did reconnect about a year and a half ago by email. We both remember the ending of our relationship differently, but it doesn't really matter. After that summer he followed his dream and became a marine. He fought in the Gulf War. He did tell me that sometimes out there in the desert he would think about my mom's chicken fried steak. I wasn't brave enough to ask if he ever thought of me out there, somethings are better left unknown.
I was sad to find out that my dad had said some rude comments to Jay that week he stayed with us. Weird to find out 20 years after the fact. I would like to believe it was my dad's way of looking out for me. Knowing my dad though, I think he was just being the racist, arrogant jerk he can play so well.
I am a firm believer that things happen like they are suppose to happen. Jay is married and has 3 kids. Do you remember my friend Herman that I asked for prayer for awhile back when he was in the hospital? Well, he is Jay's dad. Herman and I email almost daily. We reconnected a few years ago and it has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. He is a huge source of encouragement and always brings a smile to my face. We talk about lots of things, but Jay rarely comes up. I think we both respect that.
You will be happy to know this concludes my "boyfriend saga"! I don't know why, but I needed to write this for me. I think sometimes it is good to see where you came from to appreciate where you are now.
The next chapter will be about my Knight in shining armor that swept me right off of my feet - Sean.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Jay - Part One
Continuing...saga of my teen dating life!!
I had a couple of "insignificant" boyfriends after Jeff. The summer before my Junior year of high school we went on our annual mission trip to Mexico. My family went with our church and several other churches every summer since I was really young. We would stay in El Paso and go across the border each day and do a Vacation Bible School. It was so fun!! Each day we would drive the bus thru the streets and honk the horn and by the time we arrived at the church there was a stream of kids of all ages running behind us screaming. One of the fun things was to watch the kids grow and return year after year.
Well, summer of 1985 I fell in love with Jay. Our families had been friends for almost all of my life. His parents always went with our group as interpreters. I am sure I had met Jay before, but he apparently didn't have the impact on me before that he did this time. He was 18, and he was hot! He quickly became the main topic of discussion in the girl's bathroom and dorm! One of my best friends, Sheri, liked him. She was cute and blonde and whenever we were together at the mall, or school, or where ever, guys fell all over her. When I found out she liked Jay, even though she had a guy back home, I didn't even think I stood a chance. I was the chubby, clumsy girl after all.
Imagine my surprise a couple of days into our trip when we all piled onto the bus and Jay came and sat with me! Right beside me!! I could feel the heat from his body as we sat on that small school bus seat and my heart was going crazy. I am surprised he couldn't hear it. So, a relationship started.
I learned some really important lessons about myself through my relationship with Jay. By being chosen over the other girls that were seeking him, my eyes were suddenly opened to the fact that I MIGHT just be acceptable and lovable. The other thing was that since my dad always chose my sis, who was SKINNY and petite, I assumed all men wanted that. I now realized there were guys out there that would love me, in fact, one did already! Jay told me I was beautiful, and you know what? He seemed to really mean it - hard as it was for me to believe.
The church we stayed at in El Paso was not in a very good area of town. We had strict rules about leaving church grounds. There was a store located behind the church about a block away. A group of us decided to go over there. We got about half way and I started looking around and this place looked rough. I started feeling afraid and wondering if we had made a bad decision. I didn't say anything out loud. Everyone else was laughing and talking and seemed to be having fun. I kept telling myself I just needed to relax! We got closer and my breathing was increasing with each step. I did not feel safe. About that time I felt this large, warm hand envelope mine. I immediately felt safe and cared for. I knew right then that I was OK. My heart continued to beat rapidly, this time for a totally different reason. The store ended up being safe and we made it back fine, but I was far from safe. I was falling head over heels for this guy - I should have been afraid, but wasn't smart enough to know that at 16. He could've said "jump" and I would have said, "how high". I was setting myself up for some bad decisions - I just had no idea and was living in my own blissful imaginary world at this point.
To be continued...
I had a couple of "insignificant" boyfriends after Jeff. The summer before my Junior year of high school we went on our annual mission trip to Mexico. My family went with our church and several other churches every summer since I was really young. We would stay in El Paso and go across the border each day and do a Vacation Bible School. It was so fun!! Each day we would drive the bus thru the streets and honk the horn and by the time we arrived at the church there was a stream of kids of all ages running behind us screaming. One of the fun things was to watch the kids grow and return year after year.
Well, summer of 1985 I fell in love with Jay. Our families had been friends for almost all of my life. His parents always went with our group as interpreters. I am sure I had met Jay before, but he apparently didn't have the impact on me before that he did this time. He was 18, and he was hot! He quickly became the main topic of discussion in the girl's bathroom and dorm! One of my best friends, Sheri, liked him. She was cute and blonde and whenever we were together at the mall, or school, or where ever, guys fell all over her. When I found out she liked Jay, even though she had a guy back home, I didn't even think I stood a chance. I was the chubby, clumsy girl after all.
Imagine my surprise a couple of days into our trip when we all piled onto the bus and Jay came and sat with me! Right beside me!! I could feel the heat from his body as we sat on that small school bus seat and my heart was going crazy. I am surprised he couldn't hear it. So, a relationship started.
I learned some really important lessons about myself through my relationship with Jay. By being chosen over the other girls that were seeking him, my eyes were suddenly opened to the fact that I MIGHT just be acceptable and lovable. The other thing was that since my dad always chose my sis, who was SKINNY and petite, I assumed all men wanted that. I now realized there were guys out there that would love me, in fact, one did already! Jay told me I was beautiful, and you know what? He seemed to really mean it - hard as it was for me to believe.
The church we stayed at in El Paso was not in a very good area of town. We had strict rules about leaving church grounds. There was a store located behind the church about a block away. A group of us decided to go over there. We got about half way and I started looking around and this place looked rough. I started feeling afraid and wondering if we had made a bad decision. I didn't say anything out loud. Everyone else was laughing and talking and seemed to be having fun. I kept telling myself I just needed to relax! We got closer and my breathing was increasing with each step. I did not feel safe. About that time I felt this large, warm hand envelope mine. I immediately felt safe and cared for. I knew right then that I was OK. My heart continued to beat rapidly, this time for a totally different reason. The store ended up being safe and we made it back fine, but I was far from safe. I was falling head over heels for this guy - I should have been afraid, but wasn't smart enough to know that at 16. He could've said "jump" and I would have said, "how high". I was setting myself up for some bad decisions - I just had no idea and was living in my own blissful imaginary world at this point.
To be continued...
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Jeff
This post is hard to write. Why? Because it is embarrassing! I dated a guy that was 3 years younger than me. Doesn't sound like that big of a deal? Well, I was 15, he was 12. He was really big for his age...and mature, does that help???
Jeff and I dated actually a couple of years off and on. His mom didn't like me much, can't imagine why?? :) I would like to see how I would have reacted if a 15 year old was dating my son at 12. Glad I didn't have to face that I guess.
I think I did really care for Jeff. We were both swimmers. He was exceptional - probably because he stood a good foot above all the kids in his age group. All the girls at every meet all over the state drooled over Jeff. Maybe that was the attraction for me? I always felt safe with him. Probably because men scared me, so he was pretty far from being a man!! I felt I could be myself and we did actually share a lot with each other. His parents went thru a pretty nasty divorce while we were together. I think we were actually a good support for each other.
When we finally broke up I led him to the Lord that day. We remained friends and I don't feel anything negative when I remember our time together. It must have been a strange relationship at times, due to the age difference, but I don't remember it that way.
Jeff and I dated actually a couple of years off and on. His mom didn't like me much, can't imagine why?? :) I would like to see how I would have reacted if a 15 year old was dating my son at 12. Glad I didn't have to face that I guess.
I think I did really care for Jeff. We were both swimmers. He was exceptional - probably because he stood a good foot above all the kids in his age group. All the girls at every meet all over the state drooled over Jeff. Maybe that was the attraction for me? I always felt safe with him. Probably because men scared me, so he was pretty far from being a man!! I felt I could be myself and we did actually share a lot with each other. His parents went thru a pretty nasty divorce while we were together. I think we were actually a good support for each other.
When we finally broke up I led him to the Lord that day. We remained friends and I don't feel anything negative when I remember our time together. It must have been a strange relationship at times, due to the age difference, but I don't remember it that way.
David
"So, guys, I think I'm falling in love with my husband."
I don't know why, but I feel the need to write the whole story. I mean my whole "man" story. Not that I am a man - but the story of the men, or boys, in my life. You already know I had "dad issues". I guess looking back I didn't really have many positive male role models growing up. My maternal grandfather was an alcoholic - no abuse really - but absent emotionally. My paternal grandfather, well, the actual blood one died before I was born and my grandma was married 7 times to many interesting characters - none of which had any desire to invest in any of us grandkids. So, yea - not really any men in my life. I didn't even have any brothers.
When I consider all of that, I think God must have had His hand of protection on me and my choices in boyfriends. That little girl inside of me had a deep longing to be loved and accepted by her dad. Most girls in that mental state can be vulnerable to making some bad decisions in the hopes of male attention. So, like I said, I think I was pretty blessed. I did have my first boyfriend at 12, and almost always had a boyfriend - both probably symptoms of trying to fill that void - but I never really dated any actual jerks. So, in that way, I consider myself fortunate.
My first boyfriend was David Wolfe. Weird name, huh? I have NO idea how we even met. We lived across town from each other and went to different churches and schools. We must have met at some church function or something? Oh well - I don't remember much about it, other than his parents were very nice. They would drive across town and pick me up all the time. I went to his football games, the movies, out to eat, but mostly his house. I always felt weird there because we would all go in the front door and David would immediately take my hand and lead me to his bedroom. He always shut the door. I don't remember having any deep discussions. I can kinda remember he had a dart board in there and we would play darts. We kissed a little, but I was always creeped out with the door shut thinking his parents probably thought we were kissing - so I sure didn't want to be doing that!
I do remember our first kiss though. It was one of our first dates and of course his parents were in the car in the driveway. He walked me to the door. Luckily, we had a large pine tree that sheltered the porch and he leaned down and kissed me. I think it was nice, but certainly not earth shattering.
I think we dated a few months, but then I broke up with him. I knew that eventually he would figure out the "real" me and find out the truth that I was "unacceptable and unlovable" and leave me anyway. Better to be in control of the pain and just get the inevitable over with before he abandoned me. That would have been much harder to deal with.
I do remember a few months after that my mom telling me she saw his mom and she said David was still heartbroken. I can't remember if I felt sad or not. I now look back and realize how funny it is that when we are in pain, we inflict pain on others. I didn't recognize it then, of course.
To Be Continued...
I don't know why, but I feel the need to write the whole story. I mean my whole "man" story. Not that I am a man - but the story of the men, or boys, in my life. You already know I had "dad issues". I guess looking back I didn't really have many positive male role models growing up. My maternal grandfather was an alcoholic - no abuse really - but absent emotionally. My paternal grandfather, well, the actual blood one died before I was born and my grandma was married 7 times to many interesting characters - none of which had any desire to invest in any of us grandkids. So, yea - not really any men in my life. I didn't even have any brothers.
When I consider all of that, I think God must have had His hand of protection on me and my choices in boyfriends. That little girl inside of me had a deep longing to be loved and accepted by her dad. Most girls in that mental state can be vulnerable to making some bad decisions in the hopes of male attention. So, like I said, I think I was pretty blessed. I did have my first boyfriend at 12, and almost always had a boyfriend - both probably symptoms of trying to fill that void - but I never really dated any actual jerks. So, in that way, I consider myself fortunate.
My first boyfriend was David Wolfe. Weird name, huh? I have NO idea how we even met. We lived across town from each other and went to different churches and schools. We must have met at some church function or something? Oh well - I don't remember much about it, other than his parents were very nice. They would drive across town and pick me up all the time. I went to his football games, the movies, out to eat, but mostly his house. I always felt weird there because we would all go in the front door and David would immediately take my hand and lead me to his bedroom. He always shut the door. I don't remember having any deep discussions. I can kinda remember he had a dart board in there and we would play darts. We kissed a little, but I was always creeped out with the door shut thinking his parents probably thought we were kissing - so I sure didn't want to be doing that!
I do remember our first kiss though. It was one of our first dates and of course his parents were in the car in the driveway. He walked me to the door. Luckily, we had a large pine tree that sheltered the porch and he leaned down and kissed me. I think it was nice, but certainly not earth shattering.
I think we dated a few months, but then I broke up with him. I knew that eventually he would figure out the "real" me and find out the truth that I was "unacceptable and unlovable" and leave me anyway. Better to be in control of the pain and just get the inevitable over with before he abandoned me. That would have been much harder to deal with.
I do remember a few months after that my mom telling me she saw his mom and she said David was still heartbroken. I can't remember if I felt sad or not. I now look back and realize how funny it is that when we are in pain, we inflict pain on others. I didn't recognize it then, of course.
To Be Continued...
Sean
You know the oddest thing happened the other day. It was an ordinary day, just a regular morning. Sean and I were both in the kitchen just doing different things - the kids were still in bed. I glanced up at him from across the room and my heart did a little skip. I haven't just looked at him and felt my heart skip in a long time. It used to be a regular occurrence. I have mentioned that we have been married for 21 years, and the past few have been the toughest.
You know what? I think I may be falling back in love with him. So, weird to think of it that way. I am of the opinion that marriage and even love is a choice. Some days we just don't FEEL like loving each other. Hey, we are human, right? But lately, I will be taken by surprise at the oddest times that overwhelming feeling comes over me and sends me tingling all the way from my head to my toes. It feels like it did when we were 16 - almost, anyway.
So, guys, I think I am falling in love with my husband.
To Be Continued...
You know what? I think I may be falling back in love with him. So, weird to think of it that way. I am of the opinion that marriage and even love is a choice. Some days we just don't FEEL like loving each other. Hey, we are human, right? But lately, I will be taken by surprise at the oddest times that overwhelming feeling comes over me and sends me tingling all the way from my head to my toes. It feels like it did when we were 16 - almost, anyway.
So, guys, I think I am falling in love with my husband.
To Be Continued...
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Love
Zak and JeremiahThese guys look they are having fun, don't they? Jeremiah is a former farmer from Enid, Oklahoma. He is a great guy, but not the subject of this post. I want to tell you about Zak. This guy is 24 years old and amazes me all the time with his wisdom. He is just a truly neat person. The kind of guy any mom would be proud her kid turned out to be.
I have only known Zak for a few years, but I have known his wife Kara for many years. She is 22 now, but I have known her since she was a kid. We went to the same church years ago. She is a really neat person as well. She was diagnosed with very debilitating Rhuematiod arthritis at the age of 16. Her life became very compromised at that time. She could no longer play percussion or dance - her two biggest passions in life. By the age of 19 she looked like a little old lady. She walked very slowly, kinda hunched over and was in severe pain most of the time. It was so heartbreaking to watch her go from the vibrant, smiling girl we knew to this other person.
Kara and Zak met and fell in love. Regardless of the fact that Zak was told that Kara would probably be in a wheelchair and he would be her full time care giver by the time they were in their 30's he wanted to marry her anyway. He didn't care, he loved her more than any fear about the future. He was willing to do whatever he needed to, she was the love of his life.
Well, God has restored Kara to health. Today she rides her bike first thing in the morning and is slowly getting off all of her prescriptions. She and Zak play and laugh together and are just enjoying life!! When you look at her today you would never know where she was just a few short years ago. She says she feels like her age instead of old for the first time in many years. I am so happy for them, but whenever I think of the lifetime sacrifice Zak was willing to make without even questioning it, my admiration for him just grows even more. Such a beautiful picture of love.
Monday, September 22, 2008
My Dad
My dad has Destructive Narcissistic Personality. I didn't always know that - heck none of us did until a few years ago. One of the symptoms is that it gets worse with age. That is true. I have also since learned that they typically have one child they favor, usually the oldest. When this first child appears the narcissist sees their reflection in this child and therefore sees them as an extension of themselves. Since they are madly in love with themselves then they become madly in love with this new extension. Besides, let's face it, most first borns are more compliant and easier to deal with for any parent, but that is an advantage to a parent consumed with their own needs being met. This first born was my sister.
No matter how many children come along there is usually a scape goat child. Well, you got it - there were only two of us anyway, so I got the job. I must admit that even to my more adept parent, my mom, I was a handful. I guess I came out rebelling and still fight that tendency today. BUT - I should have been loved and accepted by my father regardless, just cuz all little girls deserve that. I grew up thinking I was flawed. I now know he was flawed and I just was at the wrong place at the wrong time, as they say. I have and am still overcoming so much of that deep feeling that there is something inherently wrong with me or I would be more acceptable to people. I have come so far though and am very proud of me!!
I want to share a story about when I was about 10 years old. It was a Sunday and I was baptized that morning in church. Being raised Southern Baptist (we can talk about THAT another day!) I had been immersed during the Sunday morning worship service. It was now lunch time, we were all home. Mom had cooked some fabulous celebratory meal - my mom is a great cook! Sundays were always the best, she pulled out all the stops. I can still remember scooting around the kitchen in my bare feet just feeling on top of the world. My dad could never really stand that, my being happy - cuz remember due to his mental illness I was the bad one. I was bad and deserved bad things apparently. Also, I was probably stealing his attention - mom had probably cooked my favorite dishes - not his.
The table was set, we all sat down, said the prayer and the plates started to fill. I was still grinning from all the excitement of the morning. That grin gave him his cue, "I am sure people did not feel you took your baptism seriously this morning", were the words out of his mouth. I can still remembering feeling confused. Surely I had misunderstood. "What" I asked. "Well, baptisms are a serious time and you smiled the whole time you were out there. I am sure everyone thought it was a joke to you." I was crushed. Embarrassment then started in the pit of my stomach and traveled through out my entire body. I had done it wrong again, and something as serious as my salvation! I don't think even my favorite foods tasted good after that. I am sure I just sat there saying little, knowing once again deep inside I was a bad girl.
I can remember it took years before I felt comfortable around my pastor again. I just knew that even though he was smiling and being kind on the outside that he must have remembered me as that poor silly girl that did not take her baptism seriously. He was also a man, and all men were a bit scary due to my experiences with two alcoholic grandfathers and my unpredictable dad.
I now know that I was filled with joy at my baptism - that was not a bad thing - it was a joyous occasion. I do not have to excuse my dad's behaviour, or even try to understand it. I just have to know I was a good girl and that day my heavenly Father smiled with me, and then must have shed tears of sadness with me as I later lay alone in my room crying my little eyes out. I am so glad that I now know so many things I did not know then. Most importantly that my heavenly Father loves and accepts me just as I am, and that is more than enough.
No matter how many children come along there is usually a scape goat child. Well, you got it - there were only two of us anyway, so I got the job. I must admit that even to my more adept parent, my mom, I was a handful. I guess I came out rebelling and still fight that tendency today. BUT - I should have been loved and accepted by my father regardless, just cuz all little girls deserve that. I grew up thinking I was flawed. I now know he was flawed and I just was at the wrong place at the wrong time, as they say. I have and am still overcoming so much of that deep feeling that there is something inherently wrong with me or I would be more acceptable to people. I have come so far though and am very proud of me!!
I want to share a story about when I was about 10 years old. It was a Sunday and I was baptized that morning in church. Being raised Southern Baptist (we can talk about THAT another day!) I had been immersed during the Sunday morning worship service. It was now lunch time, we were all home. Mom had cooked some fabulous celebratory meal - my mom is a great cook! Sundays were always the best, she pulled out all the stops. I can still remember scooting around the kitchen in my bare feet just feeling on top of the world. My dad could never really stand that, my being happy - cuz remember due to his mental illness I was the bad one. I was bad and deserved bad things apparently. Also, I was probably stealing his attention - mom had probably cooked my favorite dishes - not his.
The table was set, we all sat down, said the prayer and the plates started to fill. I was still grinning from all the excitement of the morning. That grin gave him his cue, "I am sure people did not feel you took your baptism seriously this morning", were the words out of his mouth. I can still remembering feeling confused. Surely I had misunderstood. "What" I asked. "Well, baptisms are a serious time and you smiled the whole time you were out there. I am sure everyone thought it was a joke to you." I was crushed. Embarrassment then started in the pit of my stomach and traveled through out my entire body. I had done it wrong again, and something as serious as my salvation! I don't think even my favorite foods tasted good after that. I am sure I just sat there saying little, knowing once again deep inside I was a bad girl.
I can remember it took years before I felt comfortable around my pastor again. I just knew that even though he was smiling and being kind on the outside that he must have remembered me as that poor silly girl that did not take her baptism seriously. He was also a man, and all men were a bit scary due to my experiences with two alcoholic grandfathers and my unpredictable dad.
I now know that I was filled with joy at my baptism - that was not a bad thing - it was a joyous occasion. I do not have to excuse my dad's behaviour, or even try to understand it. I just have to know I was a good girl and that day my heavenly Father smiled with me, and then must have shed tears of sadness with me as I later lay alone in my room crying my little eyes out. I am so glad that I now know so many things I did not know then. Most importantly that my heavenly Father loves and accepts me just as I am, and that is more than enough.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Thanks
First of all, I want to thank all of you who are so kind to me. You guys give me such support and encouragement - you have no idea!! I am grateful for each of you.
All that said, thanks for humoring me and letting me toot my own horn for a minute. Training this morning went so well. I was amazed. Whenever I do the tues. night presentations I get SO nervous. I have always thought it was being in front of people. Well, it must be something else because I was totally comfortable today. Saturday training is more relaxed in general, but it is 2 1/2 hours vs about 15 minutes on tuesday, so honestly I don't get it. Oh well, I don't have to get it - I am just glad it happened that way!
I did the training with Doug Stout. Doug is married to my best friend in the whole world - Julie. This man used to not talk at all. He has changed so much over the past few years. It was SO fun today!!
I am hoping next time I get up there on a tuesday I feel more comfortable. I have no idea - but over time of doing it over and over it HAS to get easier and easier, right? I just know I am grateful to be there, grateful I am not still stuck in my house in my dark bedroom barely living life.
All that said, thanks for humoring me and letting me toot my own horn for a minute. Training this morning went so well. I was amazed. Whenever I do the tues. night presentations I get SO nervous. I have always thought it was being in front of people. Well, it must be something else because I was totally comfortable today. Saturday training is more relaxed in general, but it is 2 1/2 hours vs about 15 minutes on tuesday, so honestly I don't get it. Oh well, I don't have to get it - I am just glad it happened that way!
I did the training with Doug Stout. Doug is married to my best friend in the whole world - Julie. This man used to not talk at all. He has changed so much over the past few years. It was SO fun today!!
I am hoping next time I get up there on a tuesday I feel more comfortable. I have no idea - but over time of doing it over and over it HAS to get easier and easier, right? I just know I am grateful to be there, grateful I am not still stuck in my house in my dark bedroom barely living life.
Conference Call
Today is my first time to lead training!! I am very excited!! We actually have people that listen from all over so we put it live on a conference #. The presentation will be from 9:30 - 11:30 mountain time. We will do some sort of specialty training from 11:30 - 12:00, you are welcome to listen to any or all of it, but the last 30 minutes might not make as much sense to you.
Anyway - when you get on there it will say to announce yourself - but many people don't. You can listen totally anonymously if you wish. Be sure and mute your phone so you can just go about your business and no one will hear you. If your phone does not have a mute button, press *6 to mute your line, or maybe it is 6# - can't remember. Either way, once it is muted a voice will say, "this line is now muted".
To listen dial: 712-775-7100 when it asked for your pin# dial 778255#
See you there!!! OOOOOOO I am SO excited!!
Anyway - when you get on there it will say to announce yourself - but many people don't. You can listen totally anonymously if you wish. Be sure and mute your phone so you can just go about your business and no one will hear you. If your phone does not have a mute button, press *6 to mute your line, or maybe it is 6# - can't remember. Either way, once it is muted a voice will say, "this line is now muted".
To listen dial: 712-775-7100 when it asked for your pin# dial 778255#
See you there!!! OOOOOOO I am SO excited!!
Friday, September 19, 2008
Dr Carl
Me, Dr Carl Hastings, Jean Hastings, and SeanThis is a picture we took while on our trip to Lake of the Ozarks. This man is remarkable. He is the head researcher at Reliv. We are so fortunate to have him. You are probably familiar with much of his previous work. He was with Mead-Johnson and was involved with creating Similac, Infamil and Ensure. He also was instrumental in helping Weight Watchers create their frozen foods that are now sold in grocery stores.
He has created 5 different Reliv products that have received US food patents. The US has only awarded 12 food patents ever and Reliv has 6 of those. Back to Carl: I was amazed at his humble, kind spirit. If you met him on the street, you would never dream he comes with all those impressive credentials. He is just a down to earth guy. Jean, his wife, was so sweet. She shared with my friend, Kara, that she and Carl have known each other since they were 8 years old. Isn't that sweet?
This picture was taken the first night we were in Missouri. It is my cell phone, so please forgive the fuzziness. We were two of 180 people they talked to that night. A few nights later when we saw them again, I reintroduced myself. Dr Carl said, "I know, I met you the other night." I guess he thought I had not remembered!! That amazed me - just the warmth and care they showed for each of us. I am so blessed to be a part of this company!!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Unselfishness
"Dear Baby, I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it." Jenna
This quote is from the movie The Waitress. A lot of the movie is Jenna narrating by writing a letter to her unborn baby. It is an unusual movie, but that is not the point I want to make here.
I think this quote is basically about unconditional love. The picture of being held for "20 minutes straight" by someone with no ulterior motives sounds like unconditional love and affection to me. Isn't that what we all want? To know someone in this world loves and cares for us in such a way - WOW! What a thought. I think 20 minutes would seem like a long time in the middle of that embrace. I have experienced something similar for a few minutes, maybe one or two - but 20? Nah. Neither have I ever done this for someone else.
One of my love languages is physical affection - yes, my friends, I am a hugger and a toucher. If we were in the middle of this conversation in person I would pat your arm or touch you in some affectionate way. That is one way I connect with people. So, maybe that is why this sounds like heaven to me. I must admit that when I think of the times I have felt truly, honestly, 100% safe and loved it was wrapped in someones arms, mostly my mama's arms. The funny thing is that my mom is not that affectionate of a person - she could go days without being hugged. I have learned to just speak up and tell her, "mom, will you hug me?" when I am having a bad day or just need a moment to connect. She is always accommodating. Right this minute, even though I am sitting in Montana and she is in New Mexico I can think of being wrapped in her arms and I can feel safe. That is a good feeling.
So, maybe it is not really about the hugging actually. Maybe it is about someone just wanting to be with you without seeking anything in return. That seems so rare in our world, yet seems like it is something we would all benefit from. It would be the purest, most honest love in the world. God loves this way - obviously - because what could I ever give Him in return for all He has and does do for me. Nothing could ever compare. I give Him my heart, and try to give Him my life in service, but selfishness creeps in always anyway. I want to love like this - unconditionally. I want to let go of my fears and vulnerabilities and not worry about being unacceptable. I want to just LOVE - just give of myself without worrying if my needs will be met, or if I am going to be rejected. Christ was rejected by many, that didn't change who He was. I want to hold someone for 20 minutes without thinking of anything else, but them. Or listen to someone talk about themselves for 20 minutes without planning in my head what I will say next - JUST listen. I want to just be there - talking or no talking - in a comfortable silence - just being present with that other person with no ulterior motives. I want to be a better me.
This quote is from the movie The Waitress. A lot of the movie is Jenna narrating by writing a letter to her unborn baby. It is an unusual movie, but that is not the point I want to make here.
I think this quote is basically about unconditional love. The picture of being held for "20 minutes straight" by someone with no ulterior motives sounds like unconditional love and affection to me. Isn't that what we all want? To know someone in this world loves and cares for us in such a way - WOW! What a thought. I think 20 minutes would seem like a long time in the middle of that embrace. I have experienced something similar for a few minutes, maybe one or two - but 20? Nah. Neither have I ever done this for someone else.
One of my love languages is physical affection - yes, my friends, I am a hugger and a toucher. If we were in the middle of this conversation in person I would pat your arm or touch you in some affectionate way. That is one way I connect with people. So, maybe that is why this sounds like heaven to me. I must admit that when I think of the times I have felt truly, honestly, 100% safe and loved it was wrapped in someones arms, mostly my mama's arms. The funny thing is that my mom is not that affectionate of a person - she could go days without being hugged. I have learned to just speak up and tell her, "mom, will you hug me?" when I am having a bad day or just need a moment to connect. She is always accommodating. Right this minute, even though I am sitting in Montana and she is in New Mexico I can think of being wrapped in her arms and I can feel safe. That is a good feeling.
So, maybe it is not really about the hugging actually. Maybe it is about someone just wanting to be with you without seeking anything in return. That seems so rare in our world, yet seems like it is something we would all benefit from. It would be the purest, most honest love in the world. God loves this way - obviously - because what could I ever give Him in return for all He has and does do for me. Nothing could ever compare. I give Him my heart, and try to give Him my life in service, but selfishness creeps in always anyway. I want to love like this - unconditionally. I want to let go of my fears and vulnerabilities and not worry about being unacceptable. I want to just LOVE - just give of myself without worrying if my needs will be met, or if I am going to be rejected. Christ was rejected by many, that didn't change who He was. I want to hold someone for 20 minutes without thinking of anything else, but them. Or listen to someone talk about themselves for 20 minutes without planning in my head what I will say next - JUST listen. I want to just be there - talking or no talking - in a comfortable silence - just being present with that other person with no ulterior motives. I want to be a better me.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Finally
I can't believe I am finally here. I have not had Internet again - surprise surprise!! There are been so many things happening in my life I am not sure where to begin.
I am in a melancholy mood, so I guess this post will be reflective today. I have had many friends that have come into my life. Only a handful have gone out, and I still feel grief for each and every one of them. I am not talking about a separation by location. That is sad, but a friendship can and will survive that if both friends desire it.
I am talking about friends that I have lost without even really knowing or understanding why. One thing about a friendship, it must be two sided. Kinda like a marriage, one partner can not want it bad enough for both people. There must be a working relationship where both people have a vested interest. The first friend I ever lost was in 4th grade. Her name was Melinda. I enjoyed her a lot. We had even gone to each others grandparent's houses together. That is actually a very fond memory of mine - the weekend at her grandparent's ranch. Eventually there was some mix up - I can't even remember what about - and we just never spoke again. Isn't that sad? I had another friend like that in high school, same type scenario.
As an adult I have only lost two friendships. Even now, as I sit here typing this, my chest feels heavy with grief. I tend to feel like somehow I was unlovable or unacceptable. That is from my childhood rejection issues from my father. I realize that, but the pain is still real. I spent years trying to pacify people and be a people pleaser because of my fears of being rejected. I now try to just be me! It is a good feeling. I also know in these adult situations I went to these two people - one was several years ago and one was within the past few months - and I apologized and took responsibility for my part. I know I did all I could do to rectify the situation, but they still chose to move on. It grieves me, and I pray one day it will be a different story. At the same time, I live in peace knowing I readily admit to my imperfections and did all I could do. I have peace with that - but when does the pain totally go away?
I am in a melancholy mood, so I guess this post will be reflective today. I have had many friends that have come into my life. Only a handful have gone out, and I still feel grief for each and every one of them. I am not talking about a separation by location. That is sad, but a friendship can and will survive that if both friends desire it.
I am talking about friends that I have lost without even really knowing or understanding why. One thing about a friendship, it must be two sided. Kinda like a marriage, one partner can not want it bad enough for both people. There must be a working relationship where both people have a vested interest. The first friend I ever lost was in 4th grade. Her name was Melinda. I enjoyed her a lot. We had even gone to each others grandparent's houses together. That is actually a very fond memory of mine - the weekend at her grandparent's ranch. Eventually there was some mix up - I can't even remember what about - and we just never spoke again. Isn't that sad? I had another friend like that in high school, same type scenario.
As an adult I have only lost two friendships. Even now, as I sit here typing this, my chest feels heavy with grief. I tend to feel like somehow I was unlovable or unacceptable. That is from my childhood rejection issues from my father. I realize that, but the pain is still real. I spent years trying to pacify people and be a people pleaser because of my fears of being rejected. I now try to just be me! It is a good feeling. I also know in these adult situations I went to these two people - one was several years ago and one was within the past few months - and I apologized and took responsibility for my part. I know I did all I could do to rectify the situation, but they still chose to move on. It grieves me, and I pray one day it will be a different story. At the same time, I live in peace knowing I readily admit to my imperfections and did all I could do. I have peace with that - but when does the pain totally go away?
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Amazing!!
We are having an amazing time in this amazing place!! I will post some pictures after we get home, but just wanted to say "hi".
We spent more than 1/2 the day at the Spa yesterday. The couple's massage - it was not what I expected. To be honest, it was like I was alone. I never heard or even knew Sean and his therapist were in the same room. By the way, Shelley, they did have the music very loud!! Maybe that is why it was easy to zone out. I talked to one lady, they have done it 3 times and she said each time they got more comfortable and talked to each other. I don't know...not too much I would want to share with Sean in that little room with two other people listening. I think I would be just as happy just doing one alone next time! Anyway, now we can say we have done it and been adventurous. That is what life is about anyway, right? I usually only grow when I leave my comfort zone.
I keep finding myself tearing up at different times. It is just so hard to believe that it was not all that long ago I was afraid to leave my house and I am now here, having a vacation that I don't have to pay for!! Pinch me please!! Never mind, just leave me here in my dream world, cuz it is pretty amazing.
We spent more than 1/2 the day at the Spa yesterday. The couple's massage - it was not what I expected. To be honest, it was like I was alone. I never heard or even knew Sean and his therapist were in the same room. By the way, Shelley, they did have the music very loud!! Maybe that is why it was easy to zone out. I talked to one lady, they have done it 3 times and she said each time they got more comfortable and talked to each other. I don't know...not too much I would want to share with Sean in that little room with two other people listening. I think I would be just as happy just doing one alone next time! Anyway, now we can say we have done it and been adventurous. That is what life is about anyway, right? I usually only grow when I leave my comfort zone.
I keep finding myself tearing up at different times. It is just so hard to believe that it was not all that long ago I was afraid to leave my house and I am now here, having a vacation that I don't have to pay for!! Pinch me please!! Never mind, just leave me here in my dream world, cuz it is pretty amazing.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Comments
Hey guys! I have 4 hours until I have to get up to head to the airport, so I am not going to answer your comments individually. Please know I am honored to each of you that read my blog and comment!! I will try to answer some of your questions in this general way.
Jake's wrists: Do you want the real story or the one he wishes was real? Jake's version is that he got into a rock slide while out mountain biking. The truth? Well, he loves to swing. His dad built him a huge log swing set, and he keeps wearing out the metal bolts that attach to the swing set. So, here we are, with pain killers and appt for re xrays on friday to determine if there is a fracture in the growth plate.
Couple's massage - never had one before, guess I will let you know how obsene it is! Sean and I both love massages so hopefully we will like it. Might be weird to be in the same space I suppose.
I will get caught up with all of you next week!!
Jake's wrists: Do you want the real story or the one he wishes was real? Jake's version is that he got into a rock slide while out mountain biking. The truth? Well, he loves to swing. His dad built him a huge log swing set, and he keeps wearing out the metal bolts that attach to the swing set. So, here we are, with pain killers and appt for re xrays on friday to determine if there is a fracture in the growth plate.
Couple's massage - never had one before, guess I will let you know how obsene it is! Sean and I both love massages so hopefully we will like it. Might be weird to be in the same space I suppose.
I will get caught up with all of you next week!!
Lake of the Ozarks!!!
These are our luggage tags. They say: "Live the dream" and have a picture of the Lake of the Ozarks, MO. Sean and I leave tomorrow for the trip we earned last december. I am SO excited!! Why luggage tags you ask? Because when we get to the airport, we are greeted and someone else gets our luggage and hauls it for us!! We will be pampered and treated like royalty - so I have heard. Since this is our first trip, I will let you know if it is true when we get home!!I know we fly business class and are staying at the Four Seasons Resort. Not too shabby!! I just made our appointments for Spa Shiki. We are having a couple's massage and then pedicures and then soaking in the whirlpool while being served beverages... Many of you don't really know me, but this is a bit out of my league. I am pretty much a down home girl. I think I can handle it for the weekend though!!
Talk to you next week, Have a good weekend! OH: I have never figured out how to add a link, but I will put them here if you want to copy and paste and check out the accomindations!!
Spa Shiki: http://www.spashiki.com/
Four Seasons: http://www.4seasonsresort.com/
Monday, September 1, 2008
Jake
Even two severely sprained wrists can't keep this kid from food! Yes, he sprained both wrists at the same time - at least they weren't broken!!
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