Saturday, July 19, 2008

Update

Well, I am still fighting this silly internet - but hey, that is life, right? We can get on rarely and only for brief periods of time, so hopefully I will be able to get this posted before it is gone again.

I wanted to post about something really hard to talk about. I hope that you will understand where I am coming from with this. The emotion of it feels so strong in my chest that I am sure it will be hard to put into words what I really want to say.

Julie is a very dear friend to me. She had read Paula Dean's newest book and told me I needed to read it, but it took me months and months and I just started it. Julie kept telling me that I had a lot in common with Paula...but I didnt' really see how it could be so much. Well, I think maybe some of it is just how she feels about things and how she sees life.

Aside from the obvious cooking, the way Paula describes her panic is so true to my own life. She makes a statement about how sad it was for her, but how much sadder for her kids because they didn't have a whole mama. That is so true. I was always a strong woman that did anything she wanted ALL my life until 2001. That was the year I became ill. The kind of illness that sweeps the rug right out from underneath you. I was SO physically sick all those years, but it was the anxiety that was the hardest. It was debilitating. I would even tell those closest to me, "I could handle being sick the rest of my life if the dang anxiety would just leave!" I am so glad I didn't have to live the rest of my life with any of it.

I can remember people close to me, people I was depending on saying, "Just get over it." I pray they never truly know the terror of what dealing with that paralyzing fear on a daily basis felt like. I pray if I was in their shoes I would be more compassionate, but would I? I will never really know. I used to be kind of a hard person about weakness. I always thought anyone can overcome anything if they want to bad enough. What I didn't know, but learned thru my dark years is that sometimes a person needs help. I am grateful for that lesson. I am glad even as strong as I am getting now, I never have to do it all on my own. I am glad I can lean on those that love me and allow them to lean on me. Being able to be honest and swollow my pride and admit to needing help was hard, but SO worth learning. Good can and usually does come out of the bad, if we choose to grow and change in a positive way. I want to keep growing to be a better Michele than I am today. As far as I have come, there is still a long way to go.

By the way, thanks for the prayers for Herman - he is out of the hospital now! Woo hoo!!

4 comments:

Friar Tuck said...

Glad you are so much happier

citizen of the world said...

Maybe one of those experiences that many people are not sympathetic about if they've not experenced it? Glad it's so much better now. We're meant to lean on each other.

reliv4life said...

Friar - thanks!

Citizen - probably, thanks and yes - seems life is about taking turns being the leaner and the leanee... :)

Shellmo said...

What a journey you have had! The world is yours now!