Sundays

This is St James Episcopal Church, Bozeman, MT. I LOVE this church. I get to go there in a few hours, which just thrills me with excitement. I also LOVE Sundays. Which I just realized this morning is a fairly recent feeling for me. I always felt depressed on Sundays - ALL my life, or as far back as I can remember.

When I was a kid, Sunday meant tomorrow was school. When I was in college - same thing. Then as an adult, Sunday meant that tomorrow, Monday, was back to the grindstone! Maybe it is really Mondays that I hated and that just started seeping over about Sunday afternoon and ruining the end of a perfectly good weekend.

When I think about where I am in life now, my chest actually feels so full of emotion I could burst in song or tears! I feel so grateful to be at a place in life where everyday feels good. I can love Sundays now and Mondays have become one of my favorite days of the week. I wish someone would have told me to think outside of the box long ago!! I wish someone would have said, "If you are not happy, then move on until you find what makes you happy." Now, I am not talking about the occasional bad day, I am talking about if there is something in my world that causes me unrest over and over again - then something needs to change! So, that comes down to determining if it is something I have control over changing or not.

I learned something recently: A goal is something I have complete control over. A desire is something that requires participation from me and another person. I have set desires for myself at times when I thought I was setting goals. I set goals for myself that did not happen because there were other aspects that I could not control, like someone else's free will!! So, I have felt like a failure many times when in truth, I did not realize that there is a difference in a goal and a desire.

So, I have a goal to seek through prayer and other ways what my choices should be for my future. I have a desire to be in good relationship with my kids and husband and to keep a clean house. I have a goal to be available, and not on the phone, to my kids and husband for some quality time each day. I have a goal to finish jobs I start around the house and work at organization each day. Now, I can't control if my kids or husband does not want to be in relationship with me - that is out of my control. I could have a goal of a spotless house if I lived alone with no people or pets contributing to the mess. I guess I am just rambling at this point, but I find it intriguing that I have confused desires with goals for 40 years and felt a failure many times because of it.

I am NOT failure. And I LOVE Sundays and Mondays!! I am very grateful.