My Dad

I wonder at what point the old fears stop popping up? I wonder exactly how many years of therapy it would take, because I have quite a bit of time under my belt already.

Here's the deal - my dad is on his way. He is flying as I type this. I know I do not react as strongly as I used to. I know how to set boundaries now and take care of me. The problem is wanting to avoid the words that wound that will inevitably come up. I wish I could just love him where he is and let his words roll off of me like water off a ducks back. I will be able to do that to a certain point. Then, something will penetrate my armor...some slide comment about my weight, my house, etc... Here is what I know - I could have my house clean enough to eat off the floor - and he would still find something to complain about. I could cook a meal fit for a king - but there will be something he doesn't like. I know that no matter what I do or don't do he will find something to gripe about - because that is what he lives for. I KNOW in my head that it is not about me - but my heart sometimes is unsure. My heart will sometimes go to that place, "If a girl's dad doesn't love her, then who the hell will????" My heart will assume there is something wrong with me, that I do have something missing that the rest of the world has - that I am the only weirdo alive. I just have to keep my head and my heart connected. I have to remind myself that I AM lovable, acceptable and a wonderful person. I deserve to be treated nicely.

I just pray that when these 4 days are over I will be able to say, "boy, that wasn't as bad as I thought it might be!" and "I handled things pretty well, look how far I have come!" and "I don't have to do that again for a while!"

I just want to protect that hurt little girl inside that pops up occasionally and feels insecure. My goal is for her to know the grown up Michele is different, and will protect her and keep her safe. I don't have to be afraid anymore, I really don't.

Craziness!

We had a great Thanksgiving feast! The last count I heard was 230 people that came to eat at St James. I know a few more wandered in after that count. It was craziness I tell you! I have been in charge of the kitchen for all 3 years and each year it has gotten busier. We did 95 take out dinners. I LOVE to cook, but organization is not my strong suit. Don't get me wrong, it all went off with barely a hitch. It just didn't feel that smooth to me.

The day was fun though. In 2006 we fed about 75 people, 2007 it was 146, and now this year 230... amazing! We had lots of repeat people, so I guess no one is complaining about the food! It was fun as usual - lots of things to find funny. Like the lady that was as skinny as a rail and came back 4 times for more gravy - she is now known as "the gravy lady"!! Or the slip that came in for a piece of pumpkin pie and they had checked YES for whipped cream and underneath that is said, "covered". So, We covered that pie with whipped cream - top sides back, there was nothing showing , not even the crust!! Well, they wanted to take it with them - it was supposed to be "covered" with saran wrap!! There were travelers, people whose families had all gone out of town and they were alone. Then there were some homeless. One man smelled so badly his odor could be smelt 10 foot away. I hope they all left feeling more than full in their bellies. I pray they felt cared for and accepted and a little less lonely.

Organization may not be my strong suit, but loving people is right up there at the top. I hope I let that show more than my stress did.

Maxine

Snowfolk

This is the image out of my office window this morning. Remember how cheerful and happy the snowfolk were a few days ago? Well, now the picture looks much more dreary. The sun is not out, the wind is blowing, all the beautiful snow is melting away. I couldn't help but think this is kinda how life is.



A couple of things could happen now. 1)the sun could come out, the weather get warm and these little snowfolk could be a heap of snow by tonight. or 2) The temp could drop, snow could start falling and these little guys could stay with us until next spring. Life is like that, so unpredectable. How often do I have everything in my mind of how things will play out, and the script changes at the last minute. Sometimes it is good, sometimes it is bad, but it is the change that throws me.



I am different than these snowfolk in some ways. If I don't like my circumstances, I can simply move to a new place. I get to say who I will stand beside and who I won't, I get to choose where I will spend today and with whom. I get to move to a spot that meets my needs and take care of myself. That is good. What I can not control is the weather and the outside circumstances. I can not control what others do or say, only myself. I can only control my reaction to the changes around me and inside me.



I, personally, like happy endings. I like books and movies with happy endings, because, frankly I enjoy having my head in the sand sometimes. Unfortunately, that is not reality. Whether my head is in the sand or not, the wind is still blowing. I need to pull my head out more often and learn to move or change if I am unhappy with where I am. I need to use my voice in a productive, healthy way for myself and those around me. I am not at the mercy of my circumstances, I have choices! I think I will always like happy endings - and maybe if I can create my own happiness inside myself, no matter the turmoil around me, I will have a happy ending each day, each week, each month. I know that not all days can be happy, but if I wake up the next morning willing to try again, I will have more happy ones than not.

Stress Free Thanksgiving

Whew!

OK - I admit it, I am totally silly!!! After all that stress, and frustration, and feeling like a failure - I got to training today and the other two participants had not even finished the silly thing. It was totally agreed upon by everyone involved, even our trainer, that this is very difficult.

I figured out something about myself - well, one of many things - I get pretty obsessed and anal about things that are extremely important to me. I tend to be laid back and do things fairly moderately - as in, I am NOT an over achiever by any means. BUT apparently I can have that tendency in certain areas of my life. If I screw up a pie or a cake - watch out! I will be in a pissy mood until I remake and do it perfectly. I never really realized how much pressure I put on myself in certain situations.

SO - I am telling you that I will no longer be anal retentive about my Zoe training - so hold me accountable - OK? I also found out that we have 24 hours of training with someone else doing the counseling and us watching before we even have the option of being lead counselor. That is 24 appointments - whew!! What a relief!

OK - boring post, I know, but wanted to let you know I am FINE - just had a small melt down yesterday!!

things I learned about myself tonight

Tonight I learned that my communication skills suck - oh yes, they really do. I was doing my homework - yes, it is Monday night and I go to training tomorrow - yes, I procrastinated again! Apparently I have not learned to listen intently to ANYONE EVER. Nope, I have never done it, according to how it is suppose to be done. And I also have no idea how to ask open ended questions without putting my own opinion or judgements in there somewhere. No matter how much I tried...I kept sliding my opinion in one way or another - which I repeat - is NOT intently listening to someone!!!

I am trying to make it funny, but it is not. I am feeling overwhelmed, and not sure at all that I will ever get all of this. I am not so sure that God REALLY called me to do this, did He? I know in my heart He did - but I did NOT know it would be this hard - and would creep into all the areas of my life I need to work on.

I WANT to learn to intently listen and care and love those around me. I WANT them to feel understood and cared for - so why are these skills so hard to learn? I wish having the will to do it was enough to get you there - but NO - after 40 - yes, I repeat 40 years of doing it incorrect - I can't expect to get it in one night I suppose.

I am going to go to bed, and not talk to anyone for a while - cuz now I will be questioning every response I give.