Forty years old

I will be forty in a few weeks. I keep thinking some sort of dark depression will come upon me, but it doesn't seem to be showing up. Maybe it will the morning I wake up and realize I am actually forty, but I kinda doubt it. The truth is, I feel better at forty than I did at thirty actually. I was not sick yet at thirty, but I was tired and just not that motivated. I was beginning to have knee and foot pain and had major PMS. I had blood sugar drops at times that left me shaky...so yes, my body was already starting to show some signs of deteriorating! How fab at 40 to have those things gone!!

I can still remember the day I turned thirty, standing in the bathroom, looking in the mirror. I am glad I did not know then what hard times were ahead for me. We had only moved to Montana a few months before I turned thirty. I remember looking in the mirror thinking, "Jesus' ministry started at age thirty". I can not tell you where that even came from - or why it is so vivid in my memory.

I wonder what I will be thinking in a few weeks when I look at myself on the morning I turn forty years old? I know one thing, I feel more like I am on the right path for my life than I ever have before. I feel excited every morning about my day. I do think I am finally becoming the wonderful woman that lurked inside of me all those years, but never could really get out. I think I am truly beginning to be the Michele I was designed to be. I am FAR from arrived, but it feels good to at least know I am going down the right path.

Forty, smorty...it is just a number, right?!!!

Awful or Fabulous?

Silliness

I LOVE this picture!! I have no idea who these ladies really are, or what their story is - but to me this picture is like reading a story. First of all, it seems just down right humorous. I don't know why, but I feel a deeper feeling, way down in my gut when I look at these women. Maybe because they look like they have seen a lot of heartache in their lifetime. They are obviously from a culture that believes women should keep their heads covered and that speaks of oppression to me. Yet, in this image, here they are bowling together! I think it speaks of hope and freedom and just downright silliness.

I want my life to be like that. Yes, there will always be heartache and disappointment, but can I rise above it, live through it, and just plain survive? I was not always sure I would be able to. I told my two older kids yesterday that they were worth living for. We had been in some pretty deep dark conversation before hand...but I thought they should know. They should know that all those years I spent in my dark bedroom in the deep pit of severe physical illness and a deep depression, they were the reason I tried each day. When I lay in that bed curled up in a fetal position, sobbing, just wanting to die so the pain would all end, it was their faces that kept me from doing something stupid, something hard to even imagine now, but came easily to my mind then. It was the thought of the trauma they would endure that helped me to stick with it and endure my own darkness. It was their faces that helped me to never give up until I found an answer.

I am so grateful to them. Grateful that they were so wonderful about it all back then. Grateful that after I began healing they could express their anger and resentment about it all and we could all heal together. Grateful that they wanted to spend time with me last night and I could express to them that they are worth living for. It was also important they understand it was not just about me, it is about their future. It is about all the people they will impact in a similar way through out their life, the people that will be fortunate enough to know them - because, they are some of the most wonderful people I believe I will ever have the privilege to know.

I want to be old some day and just drop whatever I am doing and go bowling with my friends. I want to feel hopeful, free, and just plain silly. But, I don't think I will wait for all of that, I believe I will start doing those things today. Want to join me?

Wicked Wok

This is dedicated to Citizen - who always finds crazy signs in her town. OK - so NO this is not a sign I actually found in my town, and NO I didn't actually take the picture - it was forwarded to me thru an email, actually, but I thought it was hilarious. Of course if it was in my town and I had just eaten there, the humor would probably be lost on me...

Anyway, just thought it was good for a laugh this morning - hope you get one out of it as well! Happy Friday!!

I've slipped

I wonder why the Internet has a safe feel to it? I think it is the anonymity of it. People will say things online that they would never say to someone's face. I am guilty of it as well. I feel like I have made a lot of progress as far as my healthy communication with people. I thought I was to the point, if I saw something that I didn't like, I could just move along and ignore it. I do this most of the time, but not today. Today I commented in a passive aggressive way. I felt justified for a while...then later today it began to creep back into my thoughts. I couldn't' shake it. I just went back and apologized to my friend. He is gracious and will forgive me, I have no doubt. I will also forgive myself - because all the guilt is counterproductive.

The issue for me is why did I slip back into old behaviors? It has been a weird week with lots of stresses from all different directions. I have not been getting enough sleep. Those things probably all contribute to it, but don't explain it fully. The truth is, I don't want to be that woman. The one that is easily offended, specifically by men. It is not their fault my dad was a jerk and I expect them to be simply because they have a - well you know. I don't want to be that woman that snuck out today and let fears override common sense. I know this guy fairly well and know that He has a wonderful heart and good intentions. So, what was all this about? Why did I react so strongly within myself?

Fear makes us do silly things. Fear of being let down, fear of not being heard, fear of someone turning out to be something totally different than I always thought they were. These were my experiences with my father - and I unconsciously sit and wait for every man in my life to eventually be that way as well. I pray one day that hurt little girl that just wanted her daddy to love her as she was will be healed. She has come along way - just sometimes she forgets she is safe and lovable and can trust those around her. Sometimes I just slip...but at least I can recognize it now, and move past it and move on.

Obama and McCain

I thought both Obama and McCain gave amazing speeches last night. I liked that both of them encouraged unity among all supporters and non supporters. In fact, I think they were more gracious towards each other than any Presidential candidates I can remember since I started voting. I pray we can all take their lead and put our differences aside and work together.

I have to admit, I did not care much for McCain when all this started, but I have grown to have respect for him. I think his speech was earnest and sincere:

"Sen. Obama has achieved a great thing for himself and for his country. I applaud him for it, and offer him my sincere sympathy that his beloved grandmother did not live to see this day. Though our faith assures us she is at rest in the presence of her creator and so very proud of the good man she helped raise.
Sen. Obama and I have had and argued our differences, and he has prevailed. No doubt many of those differences remain.
These are difficult times for our country. And I pledge to him tonight to do all in my power to help him lead us through the many challenges we face.
I urge all Americans who supported me to join me in not just congratulating him, but offering our next president our good will and earnest effort to find ways to come together to find the necessary compromises to bridge our differences and help restore our prosperity, defend our security in a dangerous world, and leave our children and grandchildren a stronger, better country than we inherited.
Whatever our differences, we are fellow Americans. And please believe me when I say no association has ever meant more to me than that."

I don't know how anyone could listen to Obama last night and not feel inspired. If nothing else, I believe he will inspire us to be better people. He is a "look at the glass half-full" kind of guy. My kind of person - I do pray there will be change for good for all of us:

"Sen. McCain fought long and hard in this campaign. And he's fought even longer and harder for the country that he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine. We are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader.
I congratulate him; I congratulate Gov. Palin for all that they've achieved. And I look forward to working with them to renew this nation's promise in the months ahead...

In this country, we rise or fall as one nation, as one people. Let's resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long.
Let's remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House, a party founded on the values of self-reliance and individual liberty and national unity.
Those are values that we all share. And while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress.
As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, we are not enemies but friends. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection.
And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn, I may not have won your vote tonight, but I hear your voices. I need your help. And I will be your president, too."

My Election Prediction

By the end of the day today, we will know a lot about the future of the United States . You might be surprised to learn that I am about to predict the outcome - I am about to predict what will happen after the election. Before the votes are counted, even before the voting booths close, I can predict with 100% accuracy that the following things will happen...

1. The Bible will still have all the answers. 2. Prayer will still work.

3. The Holy Spirit will still move. 4. God will still inhabit the praise of His people.

5. God will still pour out His blessings upon His people. 6. There will still be God-anointed teaching and preaching.

7. There will still be singing of praise to God.

8. There will still be room at the Cross.

9. Jesus will still love His own. 10. Jesus will still save the lost. Whatever the outcome of this
election, remember, God is still in control. Today, tomorrow, forever... God is still in control.