Grumpy

Sometimes I am just grumpy and I don't know why. I feel like Lizzie's face looks in this picture. Although we know why she was grumpy, she was angry because her mean mom wouldn't let her pick up a piece of gum off the ground and bring it home to investigate in her science lab she has created in her room. Hard to imagine...

No - my grumpiness comes from down inside but I am not sure why. I am usually fairly good at identifying my feelings and expressing them. So, this grumpiness has my puzzled. I am feeling a bit stressed, torn between family time and work. I love what I do so much that sometimes I know I push my family aside and work. I admit that and then I do feel guilty. Especially when Jake, and it is almost always Jake because he demands the most attention really, speaks up and says, "I feel I am being ignored". This happened last night as a matter of fact. BUT the grumpiness was already there, so that is not the source.

I don't want school to start yet I am looking forward to getting in some kind of routine. Could be part of it, but not all. I wish we would have camped more, done more family trips this summer, could be part as well I suppose. Yea, now that I think about it, maybe it is regret. Regret mixed with guilt that I am not changing and growing as a person as fast I would like to be. I feel stuck in some areas emotionally even though I am working on them. Change does not come easy for me, but once I make up my mind I want to change I expect immediate results. OK - found the source of grumpiness, impatience with Michele!

Thanks blog - writing it all out sometimes does help me to find the source. I have found the source so now I need to treat me like I do all those around me -with compassion and grace. Cudos to me for wanting to change and trying - I just need to cheer myself on more instead of tearing me down. Got it!

Family

This is Sean and I on our 22nd anniversary last month. It has been a long past few years. I am not even talking about all the stress of my illness and all the repercussions that involved. I am just talking about our family here.

Our family has been broken in many ways. Sean and I got married young and came into our marriage with lots of baggage. We had done some pretty emotionally unhealthy "dances" all of our married life until a few years ago. We didn't even see them as "dances" until we got healthy enough emotionally to notice them. When we started to try to change - it caused a lot of friction for both of us. It was painful. Our older two kids also had quite a bit of anger and resentment that began showing up. It was hard, but good that all was coming out in the open so it could actually be dealt with.

Are we on the other side? I would like to think so. Our communication as a family is much better, no one feels they have to shelve anything anymore. Sometimes we have moments that we slip back into old patterns, but we now have tools and resources to help each other in love to come back - and we have the phone number for our family therapist, which never hurts!

I don't know where this family journey will take us or how it will end. I do know it is a journey that we are committed to going through together. Maybe it is not even about where we end up, maybe it is more about the journey anyway. One day my kids will all be grown and on their own separate journeys, and at that point I will be with Sean. This is really about our journey, the kids are just icing on the cake.

I know that Sean has loved me even when I was unlovable, as I have him. I know that we are both committed to at least the next 22 years and beyond. I know this life would be a lonely place with no one to share it with and am glad for today we have each other.

As Julia's husband said to her in the movie, "You are the butter to my bread"

Inspiration

I saw the movie Julie and Julia yesterday. It inspired me in many ways. I love to cook, so that area of inspiration is obvious, but it also inspired me about blogging. I have not been here in a long time to visit my blog or anyone else's for that matter. I have a blackberry now, so I am honestly hardly ever on the actual computer.

I have always enjoyed writing down my thoughts. If I need to tell someone something, it is much easier for me to get it down on paper than to just call and make a phone call. It seems I can organize my thoughts much better when writing them down. Writing seems to be some kind of release for me - kinda like cooking.

I want to make some kind of order of my life and writing down the progress seems to feel right to me somehow. I think I need to blog just for me - even if no one else ever reads it. I think I need to get my thoughts down, see my successes, revisit my failures and overcome them by seeing that even when I fail, I never give up.

I want to blog again - but what about? Right now the thoughts seem to be all trying to pour out at once and are bottle logged somewhere - I have many thoughts but nothing seems to be flowing out.

I a happy to be back.